Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

From Justin Gawel: Eccentric Dirtbag

Monthly Archives: July 2011

Erotic Fiction – Treasure and Pleasure

The thick sea fog hung over the deck of Tortuga’s Serpent as it glided through the calm waters.  The young passenger, Maria, had bartered with the Captain James le Bous for a ride to Santiago to tend to her sick mother.  Naïve, fair-skinned, and shy, Maria was the target of the crews’ advances, but so far she had spurned all of the drunk, woman-starved shipmen.  Too frequent to the point that she kept to her quarters for most of the days, emerging only late at night to walk the decks alone.

As she stood near the railing with the sea mist in her hair, she heard the sound of footsteps behind her.  Her heart raced, as she feared a member of the crew was lurking, just waiting for her to let her guard down.  Her fingers clenched the rail and as she turned she could just barely make out the silhouette of the first mate on board, Black Flint Charlie.  She let out a sigh of relief, as he, unlike everyone else on board, had been nothing but a perfect gentleman to her since she had embarked on Tortuga’s Serpent.

“You startled me”, she blurted as he moved closer to her.

“Truly sorry.  That was never my intention,” he answered.  “I always walk the decks at this hour.  The churning sea calms my nerves.”

Charlie took another step closer.  Maria could feel the body heat radiating out of him.  An old salt, he knew exactly what he was doing.  As Maria’s hands began to tremble he wrapped his arms around her.  Against her previous reservations about this ship’s crew, Maria did what felt natural at that moment and embraced the cordial first mate.

Living a sheltered life, Maria had never been with a man before.  New feelings and sensations suddenly flooded her body as she was overcome with passion.  Her lips pressed against the rough, salty stubble on Black Flint’s face and eventually found their way to his pouty mouth.  She let out a soft moan about his ‘wooden peg leg’ while Black Flint looks on, smirking.

Gently, Black Flint slid his fingers towards her crotch as he whispered, “X marks the spot”, into her ear.  He parted her lips gingerly; his fingers rough from a lifetime of rigging ships and a particularly rigorous jerk-off session the day before.

The wet sea air misted Black Flint’s, now stiff, sword, as he moved in closer to her.  He motioned to Maria and she grabbed the railing.  Black Flint paused as their eyes met.  He took one more breath and then forced his dagger into her treasure trove.

She let out a soft cry, her sexual nature now awakened.   The pleasure washed over her as Black Flint’s weathered fingers played with her between thrusts.

“Thar she blows,” he bellowed after a series of vigorous plunders into her.  He withdrew and although the experience had been short-lived, Maria was quite content with it.   They shared a fleeting kiss and then retired to their quarters knowing that they would never be able to recreate that moment in time.

Later that night Maria was tossed overboard during a mutiny and was subsequently raped by a very surly octopus.

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Super Fun Tuna Noodle Surprise

If you like tuna, noodles, and surprises, then you’ll love Justin’s Super Fun Tuna Noodle Surprise.  If you don’t like those things, keep reading anyways, you might surprise yourself and subsequently decide that you like surprises.  It is fucking fun to make, more fun to eat, and slightly less fun to clean up.  What is there not to like?  So put on your Martha Stewart apron and give me some information about my current stock portfolio.  Then get your Gordon Ramsey swagger together and prepare yourself to make something quite delicious.

For this delicious mouth orgasm you will need:

  • One eight-ounce packet of wide egg noodles.  If you don’t get this I will bring your literacy skills into question, as this dish is called Super Fun Tuna Noodle Surprise.
  • Two tablespoons of butter.  If you use margarine it will invariably result in you losing your hair and nipples.
  • Two tablespoons of all-purpose flour, (because we’re not fancy, you know).  Like if you have that ritzy, rich people, single purpose, Grosse Pointe-flour it’s not going to work.  The surprise of that meal would be that the food tastes like a hot pile of garbage.
  • One cup of milk.  I should specify we want to use milk from a cow and not a human mother.
  • One cup of shredded, sharp cheddar cheese.  Be careful measuring this, after all, it is shredded AND sharp cheddar.
  • Six ounces of canned tuna that is drained.  If you’re an animal lover, try not to think about all the dolphins that were ground up to procure this tuna.
  • Fifteen ounces of drained, canned peas, undoubtedly the most boring ingredient you will use.

Before you even start, mentally prepare yourself for an emotional challenge like none other.  I would equate this meal to a mother raising a child to the age of adulthood, then serving and eating their young with their friends at a dinner party.  The emotional strain on the mother is ridiculous, but that is what you will go through in the next two hours. So put your lap bars down and keep your arms and legs inside the car at all time, because you’re about to go on a roller coaster ride of emotion as you create your Super Fun Tuna Noodle Surprise, learn to care for your Super Fun Tuna Noodle Surprise, and the greedily devour your Super Fun Tuna Noodle Surprise.

To begin, you’re going to want to preheat your non-clay, non-microwave, non-brick* oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit (or 449.6 degrees Kelvin.  While watching your oven intently to make it preheat faster, coat a two-quart casserole dish with cooking spray.  Do not make the same mistake I did and try to use the cooking spray as an inhalant.  The high is pretty weak compared to a spray paint or airplane glue, and to be honest, I’m sure there were some hidden calories in there.

Now boil the noodles in a pot of water.  Cook them until they are al dente, which, of course, translated from Italian means delicious.  Once the noodles are set, pour the water out.  Or, for the truly daring, take a deep breath and use your ninja like stealth and Zen to reach into the hot water and pull out each noodle individually.  Unsanitary? Maybe, but the bad-assitude expended into that meal will, I assure you, make it taste all the richer.

Over medium heat, combine the flour and butter.  Stir it with your scalded hands through your stifled screams until the butter is melted and it’s all mixed up.  Now add the milk and stir until it starts to thicken.  Add the cheese the same way.  One taste of this delicious concoction and your life’s shortcomings will be whisked away to the land of fear and spirits.  If you are an aspiring contestant to be on one of those shows about bedridden fatties, stop adding ingredients now and just start ladling this fattening mixture down your craw. For those normal people there who want some health benefits from this dish, this would be the point where one swirls in the tuna, peas, and noodles to take this flavor explosion to the next level and give it some redeeming qualities as far as eating healthy.   Once it is all mixed up, pour it into the casserole dish and pop that nirvana-inducing cuisine in the now-preheated oven for thirty minutes**.

When thirty minutes are up take it out and let it sit and cool off before stuffing your face in it.  Serve it to friends or family, unless you added liquid disease or blood to it in which case serve it to your enemies (unless you hate your friends and family and want to get them sick).  The surprise of the dish will be how much more people enjoy your company after eating the delicious treat you’ve prepared!

Bon Appétit

*I guess it would have been easier just to presume people know I’m talking about a regular oven, but that’s not my style.

**Thirty minutes is about one TV show.  This is for those of you that cannot tell time, but love watching TV.

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