It may only be the second race of the Mushroom Cup Series, but Moo Moo Farm will always have a place in the things I cherish. It’s right above the sound of fat people arguing at Denny’s and right below my dead aunt and Pizzalicious Pringles (it’s a toss up with those two!). Moo Moo Farm is a deceptively innocent name for a treacherous virtual raceway that merges gophers, cows, and backstabbing, in a high-octane excitement. For those unfamiliar with this course allow be to walk you through a typical race at Moo Moo Farm. It’ll be tough, as if any race on in this danger zone could ever be considered “typical”.
The race is set. I’m starting the race in first after easily taming Luigi Raceway: a joke of a fucking course. Almost always I choose to race as Peach and inevitably I take unwelcome guff from my opponents. I’ll just say it; out of all the computer-generated characters in this game Peach is the most attractive to me. Sexually, that is. Plus, when I win with Peach I like to think I’m providing a role model for all those young girls out there who want to grow up to be NASCAR drivers, since, clearly that bitch Danica Patrick isn’t going to win anything ever (way to pick a hero, women).
The countdown is on and with the timing of a Swiss watch I jam onto the gas at precisely the right instant and am handsomely rewarded with a vigorous boost of speed. Side Note: That trick only works in video games. I tried it once with my 2000 Neon at a stoplight and ended up in the hospital. First place for Peach so far, if only the rest of the race were that easy.
Rounding the third turn of the first lap we recognize that this track becomes massively wide to allow for maximum carnage to pile up while still allowing the race to continue. It should be noted that ‘Da Farm’ was due to be the set for the movie Death Race due to its proclivity for danger and mayhem, but at the last minute Jason Statham threatened to walk out saying it “wouldn’t be believable”. Thus, the Death Race we all know was filmed, much to the delight of Statham.
Now at this point of the race my beloved Peach becomes subjected to a cleverly concealed banana that in accordance with the laws of physics causes her cart to spin out uncontrollably and slam into one of the walls like she’s Dale Earnhardt at Daytona. Unlike that pussy Dale, Peach shakes this one off and keeps racing like the warrior she is. So long, first place. Hello, fourth place and lap two.
Even on Moo Moo Farm, lap two is the lull of any contest. A green shell here, a banana peel there and I am holding my position. Yet, in a huge twist of fate, the last item bank of this lap provides a star for me while I’m in fourth place! The Mario Kart gods are smiling down on Justin this afternoon.
Immediately the star is activated and Peach and I begin to milk (pun!) our racing cart for all she’s worth as we fly into first place again. This gopher colony is no match for our star as we send them flying in all directions. I’m like that very intoxicated lawnmower driver, traumatizing my first grade class all over again.
Boom. Catastrophe. In an ironic reversal of fortunes our star dies just a gopher emerges sending us flying into the infield of the racetrack! The twinkle in my eye is gone now as the little man in the cloud slowly lifts our cart back onto the course.
Sixth place with less than a lap to go. For once I can now realize how Hitler felt after he lost Berlin. Life is bleak now, as my once prosperous beginning has fallen into mediocrity once again. I pick up an item out of novelty, feeling that nothing can scoop me from this darkness. I continue to race, for sport now that the thrill is gone. I watch my potential item randomizing and suddenly, my heart skips a beat; it is literally lightning in a bottle literally at my fingertips.
Thunderstuck. Lightning is activated. The other racers are shrunk to tiny beings as Peach and I plow past them, pancaking the ones that dare to impede our path. We manage to make it all the way to second place with only a short bit of racing left. The final item bank yields us three mushrooms that we instantly activate as we burn by a baffled Luigi en route to the finish line and the everlasting glory that is first place on Moo Moo Farm.
The gods smiled on me that one auspicious day and without their assistance it would have just been another failed attempt in the saga of my life that is Moo Moo Farm.