Marjorie Perkins (78) was discovered dead in her townhouse Wednesday morning, She was a fixture in the neighborhood for the last forty-five years, rarely emerging from her house, but always quick to scold when children were too close to her property. She is survived by her twelve cats and one flaming homosexual son name Lyle.
Kenny “Big K” Forester (28) was an ex-high-school football and was still trying to pursue his dream of becoming a professional athlete when he met his premature demise Saturday afternoon when he slipped on a Roomba® vacuum that was stuck on a banana peel. STOP LAUGHING, YOU INSENSITIVE PIECES OF SHIT, IT IS NOT FUNNY!
Cooper McGillis (55) A family man and a self-described “old-fashioned southerner”. He leaves behind his wife Maureen, as well as his five kids: Cooper Jr., Dale, Jed, Billie Jean, and, of course Spud. An avid enthusiast of the outdoors, he spent many a day on the lake or in a hunting blind. Last Sunday he met his untimely end while watching the weekly NASCAR race. He suffered a heart attack that was likely induced by the tirade McGillis went on after Jimmie Johnson finished second to Matt Kenseth, effectively losing him fifteen dollars to his son. “Dad died doing what he loved,” lamented the now fatherless Spud, “No one could get upset about a race like Dad could. No one.”
Jeremy Kingsley (8) Literally bored to death while waiting for his older sister and mom to finish shopping at the city mall. Attempts to amuse himself by hiding in the racks of clothes, playing ‘the floor is lava’ on the displays, and making fart noises on the intercom were all thwarted by store employees; essentially pounding the child-sized nails into Jermey’s child-sized coffin. The only thing in Jeremy’s possessions even resembling a last will and testament was a crumpled piece of notebook paper promising his Xbox 360 to his friend Dominic. His friend Dominic was unavailable for comment, but his mother claimed he was thrilled about getting another Xbox 360.
Daniel Kennedy (66) Lived his entire life in Northern Texas as a recluse, emerging only a few times a year for various solitary hunting trips and excursions to Wal-Mart. An only child that never married, his only contact was an old friend from the National Guard that he had not seen in almost a decade, but was someone he would religiously call every Sunday. Upon discovery of his body it appeared he had been living off of deer jerky and a freezer full of Hot Pockets for the last several years. The only stipulation of his last will and testament was that his vast collection of McDonald’s Monopoly pieces acquired through eBay be donated to the United Negro College Fund. “There goes a weird dude,” his National Guard buddy stated in his passing.
Robbie Armstrong (12) A bright, energetic youth, full of life and wonder. He would have been in seventh grade this fall. His grief-stricken parents report that Robbie suffered from Attention Deficit Disorder and was hit by a bus after he stopped in the middle of the street when he was distracted by a neighborhood dog catching a frisbee.