Cosmopolitan magazine is a waste of time and money.
A widely know fact, and yet Cosmopolitan magazine still has millions of female subscribers looking to figure out new ways to sexually please their man. New ways to satisfy your man? Listen, human beings have been around for thousands of years, so how many possible “new” ways could Cosmo have possibly discovered in the last month in the realm of genitals stimulation? Like clockwork though, every month printed on their cover is a headline reading: “80 Ways to Blow His Mind in Bed Tonight,” or something similar. Bullshit.
Do not fear though, as I, Justin Gawel, know what fellas like in romance, as I’ve wooed over nine of them into my bedroom (not all at once of course, I don’t know how I would explain that).
In general, men are simpler than women. You never hear about “high maintenance” men. Wait, I take that back. Outside of referring to the heroin-addicted janitors at my job, I never hear about “high maintenance” men, but yet everyone has heard that phrase in regards to a woman. It’s like the old saying: give a man a fish and he’ll thank you for the fish. Teach a man to fish and he’ll thank you for the fishing trip. Give a woman a fish and she’ll fly into some feminist rant about why are the women expected to cook the fucking fish. Teach a woman to fish and she’ll generally make her husband “touch the worm and do all the gross parts”. Dialogue that I’m sure the man heard from her in the bedroom at some point.
The following are my views on how romance should be approached from my perspective. I don’t want to get in a whole thing about speaking on behalf of men everywhere because I know there are much more viable candidates than myself for that duty. Michael Jordan, Bruce Willis, Arsenio Hall, all good candidates for that, all cool dudes. There are some shitty ones out there too, but just like womankind wouldn’t pick Casey Anthony to represent them, mankind wouldn’t pick Scott Peterson. Both of those people would be horrible choices to represent their respective gender. Horrible, awful choices, but yet if the Fox Network started a reality show starting both of them I’m sure most of America would still tune in to watch each week.
Without further adieu, let me present to you: Justin Gawel’s Romance Guide!
Listen, I’ve never been big on presents. For a special event I like to go out on the town, as I cannot fit any more items into the hoard hole that is my apartment. Nobody really needs that much more stuff and, honestly, we’re all adults now. If I want something I just go out and buy it, I don’t need to wait for my birthday, Christmas, or Jewish-Christmas anymore. This is why it baffles me as to why any woman would ever want flowers. I would equate bringing a woman flowers to bringing home a puppy. They’re fantastic when you first get them; everyone coming into your place adoring them constantly. Then the novelty wears off and you start forgetting to give them water here and there. Then they become more of a nuisance, as they just stop responding to anything you’re trying to do with them anymore. Then, before you know it, they’re dead and rotting at the bottom of the garbage can. Sunrise. Sunset.
Other “romantic” presents are just as big a waste of money. “Oh boy, my girlfriend bought me a greeting card. How long do I have to hold onto this before I can throw it away?” And people continue to wonder why the rainforests are being destroyed.
Or like balloons. Balloons are a terrific present to give if the man you’re trying to woo is turning six next week. Middle-aged handsy woman from the Discovery Zone ball pit in 1995, I’m looking at you!
Then when it comes to the bedroom I know exactly what I like and I communicate it effectively. Women have said I’m premature, but I tend to view myself as “efficient”. Also, ladies, if I don’t eat berries in my normal life, what makes you think I’m going to want to eat them in the bedroom? Why would I want whipped cream and strawberries when I could have mini corndogs and a quart of queso dip?
However, it is a blast to be adventurous. In relationships it’s fun to deviate from the norm. “Don’t knock it til you try it” a phrase taken all too literally by Chris Brown, but a good mantra for couples that like to keep it interesting. For instance, the next time you and your lady are getting frisky, look her straight in the eye and say in the Batman voice, “Sometimes the truth isn’t good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.” Then just continue going at it. There aren’t any hard feelings if she thinks it’s weird. Now you know another thing she not into, which will help you narrow the possible remaining field of potential erotic pleasures. This time: Batman voice. Next time: ask her to make robot noises (you know, if you’re feeling saucy and tech savvy). I figure most guys would either find them very hot or very funny, and at the end of the day doesn’t every guy want to either be laughing incredibly hard or have their penis incredibly hard?
Furthermore, Cosmo, I’ve noticed a lot of the articles in your magazine advise women to play little games with their man throughout the day. Silly contests, bets, things like holding the sports page hostage in exchange for twenty minutes of cuddling, etc. Most men will see these as a waste of time and hate all of these activities. If a woman thinks holding the sports page hostage in exchange for twenty minutes of cuddling, then that woman is about to be in for the shittiest twenty minutes of cuddling ever. He’s either just going to go for his phone, or computer to check his precious sports news or lie there saying, “has it been twenty minutes yet,” over and over. Either way the plan is going to backfire. I mean, a woman wouldn’t like it if her man was all, “hey, you’re gonna have to have sex with me before I tell you where I hid your dialysis meds.”
Boom, consider yourselves educated, Cosmo. Now if only I can get this article into the hands of women everywhere and bankrupt that shitty publication once and for all.
Please don’t buy any more Cosmopolitan magazines, everyone.