Oh, God, what the fuck, she hasn’t responded since I sent my last text three-and-a-half minutes ago. Something’s up and this isn’t sitting right. Where is she that she wouldn’t have service, or does she just not care? This just doesn’t add up. I thought we had a good time last week and now this? Three-and-a-half, four minutes now? Jesus, do you think? I mean, she’s could be with some other dude and is just now finishing up banging him. If he’s anything like me, four minutes is more than enough time.
Four-and-a-half minutes and she still hasn’t texted me back. This guy is clearly better at sex than I am. Should I call her? Maybe I should call her. What would I even say? Uh, hey, you hadn’t texted me back yet, so yeah, about that. What’s even the point, I’m sure she won’t be able to hear her cell phone ring over the clatter of her breasts and her screams of ecstasy.
Five minutes, okay he’s beyond satisfying her; he’s going for the high score at this point. This pleasure-bot she’s with is undoubtedly a contemporary John Henry: seemingly part machine, an expert at driving hard steel, and of course, clearly black and packing something like thirteen inches of ferocity in his pants. There’s no way I can compete with that. Everything was going so well and now it’s all being washed away in what I can only imagine is a fast and furious display that has everything on the Paul Walls of her apartment shaking as she orgasms over and over at a Ludacris level of volume from the penetration of his (The) Rock-hard dick.
Six-almost-seven minutes now, I’m sure time is standing still as her life is flashing before her eyes. Her brain literally overloaded with endorphins that an aneurysm is a possibility. She is going to be pleasured to death. It will make national news and bored housewives everywhere will touch themselves to it. Honestly, she’s going to be a different person after this. Winning the lottery, writing the next great American novel, eating a piece of bacon wrapped in cheese and dipped in ranch dressing, it doesn’t matter, they will all pale in comparison to this voyage she’s taking on the bang bus to Climax City.
She’s literally going to need to smoke a carton of cigarettes after this onslaught is over.
Eight minutes, okay, this makes sense now, of course she hasn’t texted me back; she probably can’t even remember her own name, let alone what a phone is or how to text someone on one. She’s going to have to acclimate to real life again. This could be the premise for The Miracle Worker 2. I’m sure her vocal chords are strained beyond belief and the police have been summoned to investigate what the neighbors are figuring is a murder. Boy, will that guy’s hand be sore from all the high-fives he gets from cops and neighbors after they sort all of this out!
Nearly ten minutes now, this is unbearable. Let me just look at my phone and try to pick up the pieces of my emasculated existence. I’ll try information and see if they have a therapist I can get a hold of. If that doesn’t work it’ll be on to the suicide hotlines until they all eventually block my number.
Wait; hold on, my last message to her didn’t send! Oh, that means she’s probably just been waiting for me to text her back. Let me find service and try again. Sorry for freaking out, everybody!
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Very funny! I’m always a bit slow at responding to text messages though sadly not because of mind blowing sexual encounters. I wish that was my excuse.
This is why I only text women with active webcams set up in their bedrooms.
Shit burned me up with my ex. Spot on brother. The worst part is that imaginary view from above where you can see her getting plowed by a guy that looks like Fabio.
FABIO? Does she have utter bad taste in men or are you THAT self-deprecating? Come on ijkm buddy, grab a hold of yourself ( figuratively, of course ) and go for say, George Clooney?
One time, I sent my husband to the store to pick up milk. Just milk. I needed it to make this noodle dish. 10 minutes later, where is he? I’m waiting to make the last part of our dinner. Another 5 minutes…another 5 minutes. OMG, did he get in a car accident…did the store have some weirdo come in with a gun or machetti (that happened in a store near us)…he’s not answering his phone…was he thrown out of the vehicle and dying on the sidewalk? 30 minutes later he gets home and I yell “I thought you died in a firery car wreck!” when in reality, what he had for lunch hit him and he spent a good portion of his time in the mens room! His response “Man! I thought I was gonna die!”
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Lake Forest, CA
Laugh out loud riot and painfully true. At least the obsession with getting a text back and the over analyzing when one doesn’t. The reason why…..could be based on a true story whether you realize it or not.
Brilliant!!
This was amazing.
Yeesh. You actually got far enough to be texting her: http://mightierthanthepen.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/who-says-we-only-use-part-of-our-brains/
and http://mightierthanthepen.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/my-middle-school-social-life-explained/
are more accurate for me…
I’ve often thought of women as psychos. Men are worse.
Not worse, just two very different types of psychos, hence the problems. *sigh*
At least we can all laugh about how neurotic we all are at the end of the day.
You know, I watched my son text his girlfriend all night throughout father’s day dinner, and a movie, and back at home watching golf…they had a fight, and I wanted to grab that phone and text her…
WTF? You hurt my son again and I will SMASH your cellphone…take a picture of it, and put it up on FACEBOOK. Along with the message: DO NOT mess with angry mothers. (Yes, I wanted too…)
Okay, I feel better now.
“Of course she hasn’t texted me back, she can’t even remember her own name” – my favourite part. Or maybe it was “pleasure-bot” or “smokin’ a carton of cigarettes after this onslaught is over”. Sorry to pathetically repeat exactly what you just wrote, but I can’t stop laughing. Great post! Made my night.
Thanks for the WordPress love. Neurotic inner-monologues are things that need to be shared and be laughed at!
Love it!
Thank you, thank you! I’m glad you enjoy my neurotic self as much as me.
Yessssss!!! I feel like I’ve heard friends verbalize similar neurotic rants. Thanks for making me laugh
Thank you, thank you, it’s good to see people still laughing at neurotic behavior!
OMG!!! I LMAO!!!
Thank you, thank you, I’m glad you like it!
Very funny….. I love the “mind blowing sex” part…. She probably left it in her purse/car or on the charger… LOL. Thanks for the laughs…
Thank you for reading! I’m trying to think she just left it on the charger, but my neurotic self won’t let me!
Don’t worry just yet… LOL. Maybe she’s merely playing “hard to get”. You just can’t “appear” to be too needy or some girls will high tail it the other way…
Now that’s just downright wacky!
Love it. High neurotic marks!
You can’t spell neurotic without erotic!
Dude, this is hilarious! And unfortunately true for most guys. I’ll get on to writing an “advice for inept man-things: the phone”. Thanks for the read!
Thank you for the kind word, I’m looking forward to your phone advice! My education with that device started and ended with the board game Dream Phone.
OMG! This is seriously written by a guy? Too funny!
Thank you, I’m glad you liked it! And yes, this story was crafted by pure, unadulterated dude power.
Great stuff! As she might’ve said, give us more, more, more.
Thank you, thank you and well played, sir!
Thanks for the laughs and for reminding me how lucky I am to be old and married since texting became the thing to do when dating. I’ma get my walker and go soak my dentures, now.
Thank you for the kind words, and yes, I envy a time before texts and the resulting neurotic episodes.
This is amazing!
Thank you, thank you!
A much needed laugh. Thanks!
Thank you, I’m glad you liked it.
I love getting to see into the mind of a man! You boys are as screwy as we are~!!!
Ah yes, if only we could get erotic without getting neurotic.
Nice discovery. I look forward to more.
M.
Gracias, I’m happy you’ve enjoyed it!
Fun and raunchy! Just how I like em.
You and me both, why can’t I be laughing and aroused at everything that I read?
Reblogged this on Akshat Jain (Lovey).
It’s interesting to know that guys go through this too. At the end of the day, we’re all just self-conscious, neurotic idiots. ; )
Oh are we ever self-conscious, neurotic idiots! Humans are great at doing that!
Ha! She was probably thinking the same thing about you when you forgot to hit “send”.
Haha, perhaps I do like to keep my ladies neurotic and erotic!
It was hilarious, yet my thoughts exactly as I do suffer from irrational fears, it’s good to laugh with them, you’re very talented, i’m on yo follow you. Have a good day!
Thank you, thank you for the kind words. We have to laugh with them or they just make us neurotic and weird!
Wow! I do this more often than I care to admit… UGH!
Technology has made me super high strung and dependent… well.. maybe I just was anyway, and now I just have a tether…
Thanks for the laugh.
Me
I’m delighted that you enjoyed it and I completely agree that technology has made us more neurotic. I’d be Mennonites rarely run into this issue.
No doubt! And, how ironic that I just read this last night… then I was acting like a maniac today when I was not responded to today? What the H??? I’m a grown woman!!!
Too funny
Hahaha, that is hilariously ironic!
Holy GOD I love you for being just as mental as me!!!! Oh wait.. you’re not? You’re just a super-good author. FUCK!!! I just revealed myself!!!!
Haha, you’re very sweet; thank you for the kind words. I assure you, in the spirit of full-disclosure, there is a good amount of neurotic truth about myself swirled into this guy.
Jeez I felt uncomfortable reading that & I’ve had 8 kids lol Great writing!!
Haha, sorry to make you feel awkward; thank you for reading though!
Loved it! Thanks for starting my day with a laugh(in a good way, of course).
Thank you, thank you, I’m delighted that you’ve enjoyed my neurotic musings!
hilarious! but so true… this happens to me from time to time…
great post! it made me laugh out real loud!..
thank you…
Awesome, I’m happy you enjoyed it. I always think the funniest things come from the most neurotic situations.
I love it! That has been me – all too many times. On the giving end, the receiving end, and the unsent message end, too!
Life is good.
Likewise, technology makes me more and more neurotic the more devices I have that people aren’t contacting me on.
You had me roflol from the get go! Very funny peeve and really well timed… Luved it!
Radical! Delighted that you’ve enjoyed my neurotic musings!
You are funny! We have all been there, nice to know guys do this stuff too
Guys do this all the time! I guess humans are just meant to be neurotic.
Duuuuuude!!! I was laughing out loud!! Now I feel like that guy who was worrying about having a man crush on you. You’re funny! *said in a surprised, awed tone*
Thank you, thank you! I’m glad that you liked my neurotic musings and consider your man crush reciprocated!
It is not very often that things literally make me LOL but this did. Very funny and nice to get some perspective from a male point of view.
Thank you very much! And yes, us men are super neurotic and irrational like the majority of the time.
Freaking hilarious Justin! Love your stuff here…..stories that is.
Thank you, thank you very much!
Hilariousness!
Thank you!
Quite hilarious. You’re a good writer, you know. But..her breast clatter, do they? LOL. This reminds me of me…only the female version. Damn insecurities, anyway! Thanks for liking my latest blog.
Thank you, thank you, I’m thinking of clattering to try to emphasize the g-forces of the sexing the protagonist is imagining, but yeah, not a traditional clatter. Thank you for giving me a read and letting me know I’m not alone with my insecurities.
Great read…….how many times have I wondered why someone didn’t respond only to find, yep it never got sent….too many to admit to……keep up the magic of your words……
Thank you very much! I’m happy we can all delight in our neurotic behaviors
I had no idea men worried so much while waiting for us to answer a text. Hmmm, I could use this information to drive my husband crazy . . .
Thanks for the laugh!
Men are quite neurotic, I’m glad you liked it and hopefully you’re not too hard on your husband now that you know our weird tendencies and thoughts.
Hilarious!
Thank you, thank you very much!
That header of guys on small bikes is so funny. I love to see that. Thanks for visiting my blog and liking my update. at:http://blueribbonfair.wordpress.com/author/blueribbonfair/
Thank you, thank you very much! Yeah, that’s my cousin and I riding tiny bikes a few years ago