Now fasten your seat belts and set your phazers to fun because we’re on the homestretch. That’s right, it’s the open-ended response section time! My answers are as follows:
Dating Headline [Use 140 characters or less]
An apathetic, alcoholic adult baby with low standards that’s out there looking for Ms. Right (women with other last names considered too).
For Fun [Use 250 characters or less]
For fun I enjoy TV, surfing the Internet, masturbating, and eating chicken nuggets, (usually happens in roughly that order). Also altering my states of consciousness is a sure-fire crowd pleaser in these rough and tumble times.
Favorite Hot Spots [Use 250 characters of less]
People put their favorite vacation spots or bars here, but I’ve gotta say my favorite ‘hot spots’ would be my couch and bed. Both are suitable for eating and sleeping on. Outside of my house I don’t really go anywhere besides 7/11 and the titty bar.
Favorite Things [Use 250 character or less]
Favorite things would be (in order) video games, alcohol, Mark Wahlberg, cake farts, the Internet, chicken wings, America, buffalo wings, women, Chocolate Rain, and then I don’t really care about anything else in existence.
What was the last thing you read? [Use 250 characters or less]
Are you kidding me, is this a joke? Literally the last thing I read was this question and instructions on Match.com before doing this. If you mean other than that though it would be anyone’s guess between an Archie Comic and a book called Mondo Freaks.
Myself and Who I’m Looking For In a Woman [Use 4,000 characters or less]
Well, as you can figure out, the easier, cheaper, and more naked something is the more I like it generally. If your life credo reflects something like that and if you’re down to chill and sometimes do some shit, that’s cool, I’d like that.
I guess it should go without stating, but just to be clear I am like most other guys. So when you meet me do not get excited to tell your girlfriends that the guy you just met “Isn’t like anyone I’ve ever met.” And like most dudes I am turned on by porn and food while blisters, eczema, and hair lips completely turn me off. I also don’t like complaints; really my only complaint about my ex-girlfriend was that she complained too much. If someone has told you that you’re a complainer, let’s face it, they’re probably right. Lets agree not to waste each other’s time on you complaining about my lifestyle and me complaining about your barrage of complaints.
As an adult baby, I really don’t do very much to take care of myself, hence my proclivity for chicken wing delivery. I like waking up at noon and put all of my effort into working as little as possible. Do I have a five-year plan? No. Do I have a fifteen-minute plan? Sometimes, like if a show about monster trucks is coming on or the liquor store opens or closes fifteen minutes from now. I am not very intelligent, unless you count fantasy football stats and injury reports. I’m sorry if this lack of ever trying to better myself is a deal breaker, but hey, this stagnant pond is a cool fucking dude. Come on in, the water’s great, plus there’s never a threat of tsunami.
I am a stagnant pond, which also means I am deceptively shallow. On first impressions I can seem deep and mysteriously murky, but after you take a step in and immerse yourself it is evident how shallow I am. Basically, if individuals beside yourself have referred you to as “gorgeous” or “beautiful”, I’m sold. On the other hand, if people constantly bring up how much ‘inner beauty’ you have it is likely that there isn’t very much outer beauty to be discussed with you. In this instance, this shallow parasite on society doesn’t want to hear from you.
Now if you’re looking for companionship and your specs check out, give this apathetic, alcoholic, adult baby a chance.
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