Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

From Justin Gawel: Eccentric Dirtbag

Monthly Archives: March 2012

The Week I Guest Authored the Earl of Etiquette’s Advice Column

Greetings and salutations, followers of the Earl of Etiquette!  Sadly, Earl is out sick this week and has asked me, his good friend, the self-proclaimed Ayatollah of Apathy, the Lethargic Lord himself, Justin Gawel, to fill in and answer your questions regarding manners and social graces.  So, let’s blast off into these letters of yours, because nothing stops the mail, and thus, nothing will keep me from your questions short of a Die Hard marathon on TNT.

 

 

Dear Earl of Etiquette,

I love playing with other people’s dogs, but when they leave I am secretly ecstatic because I don’t want a dog and have never wanted one for more than an hour or so in my life.

However, my best friend of ten years has asked me if I would dog-sit for their family’s pet while they go on a cruise next week.  While they’re having fun with their boozing, tanning, and recovering from food comas, I’ll be knee-deep in Scooby-Doo-Doo from their beloved brute! Honestly, this dog is ten-years-old (in people years) and still begs from the table.  If I had a kid that was still doing something like that when they were ten, well, that kid would either be going to a specialist first thing Monday morning or going to one of those farms upstate for slow kids that I’ve been reading about.  Dog sitting is the last thing I want to do, but my friend seemed so desperate to find someone and backed me into a corner on this issue.  How can I wriggle out of this, or at least make sure this never happens again?

 

Sincerely,

Disgusted with Dog-Sitting

 

 

Dear Disgusted with Dog-Sitting,

Kill the dog.  No, just kidding (or maybe I’m not). Murdering it would get you out of a week of dog sitting though.  Plus, if you’re very upfront and honest with your friend then you can just calmly explain to them that Little Bandit’s death was definitely not an accident.  Go on to tell them that you personally ground up a few Ambien that you put it in the Little Bandit’s food before you methodically waited until he fell asleep so that you could move him under your wife’s car ten minutes before she was leaving for work. Boom, after that you can pretty much guarantee that they’ll never ask you to watch their dog again!  (Namely, because I can’t imagine anyone ever asking their friend to supervise their dead dog)  You can be sure they’ll remember this if they get a new dog though, and even better, they probably won’t even trust you with simple favors or even want to talk to you.  Talk about freeing up your time and organizing your life for once!

If you don’t have the stomach for dog-murder, or are all dog-murdered out from a recent string of them, then just let the dog stay up late, not bathe, and eat all the junk food it wants.  That way when it goes home, it won’t follow the rules.  Little Bandit will start talking back and being a sassy little devil*. When they get back from their cruise, they’ll be so busy disciplining their dog that they’ll never have time to take vacations again. And, you’ll never have to dog sit again!

Whichever strategy you employ, just remember that if you do a job badly enough you will never get asked to do it again.

 

Lazily,

Justin Gawel

Ayatollah of Apathy

 

*Yes, I know what you’re thinking and yes, this method also works for getting out of watching anyone’s annoying, sticky children.

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Everyone is Awesome!

Yes, this is the nice one.  This is the nice blog post you’d show your friends if you started dating me to say, “Look, everyone, he’s not as revolting and apathetic as he describes on his blog.  In fact, he’s sometimes nice and even showers and wipes occasionally!”

No, I will not enlighten you with my shower or pooing habits today because I have yet to discover how to exponentially express the phrase “barf-inducingly grainy”.  No, today will be about thanking all of the people who have supported this adult-baby well into the third trimester of this blog.

All of you out there that keep reading my ramblings, I thank you.  To all of you out there who have re-posted things I have written or have forwarded them to people, thank you very much.  To all the people who have subscribed to me and let me clutter their inbox with my dick jokes and fart nuggets, you are awesome and I thank you.

I apologize that I don’t respond enough to comments and things as much as I should.  Thank you all for them, I truly love reading what you guys have to say and

I’d also like to thank a few people who have nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Awards:

And of course to Articles of Absurdity and Sandylikeabeach : two very regularly funny and original bloggers that nominated me for the Glitter E. Yaynus Award and the Aurora Morealist awards respectively.  Thank you guys so much!

An adult-sized thanking is in order for Soylent Green for writing about one of my posts and for providing a tasty stream of pornography and wit that is as close to one-stop-shopping on the Internet as you can possibly be.

Thank you all for reading, hopefully for many more ramblings of the adult-baby variety.  You are all welcome to come over to my dirt-hole apartment for all the cough syrup and malt-liquor we can stomach.

Love,

Justin

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