Greetings and salutations, followers of the Earl of Etiquette! Sadly, Earl is out sick this week and has asked me, his good friend, the self-proclaimed Ayatollah of Apathy, the Lethargic Lord himself, Justin Gawel, to fill in and answer your questions regarding manners and social graces. So, let’s blast off into these letters of yours, because nothing stops the mail, and thus, nothing will keep me from your questions short of a Die Hard marathon on TNT.
Dear Earl of Etiquette,
I love playing with other people’s dogs, but when they leave I am secretly ecstatic because I don’t want a dog and have never wanted one for more than an hour or so in my life.
However, my best friend of ten years has asked me if I would dog-sit for their family’s pet while they go on a cruise next week. While they’re having fun with their boozing, tanning, and recovering from food comas, I’ll be knee-deep in Scooby-Doo-Doo from their beloved brute! Honestly, this dog is ten-years-old (in people years) and still begs from the table. If I had a kid that was still doing something like that when they were ten, well, that kid would either be going to a specialist first thing Monday morning or going to one of those farms upstate for slow kids that I’ve been reading about. Dog sitting is the last thing I want to do, but my friend seemed so desperate to find someone and backed me into a corner on this issue. How can I wriggle out of this, or at least make sure this never happens again?
Disgusted with Dog-Sitting
Dear Disgusted with Dog-Sitting,
Kill the dog. No, just kidding (or maybe I’m not). Murdering it would get you out of a week of dog sitting though. Plus, if you’re very upfront and honest with your friend then you can just calmly explain to them that Little Bandit’s death was definitely not an accident. Go on to tell them that you personally ground up a few Ambien that you put it in the Little Bandit’s food before you methodically waited until he fell asleep so that you could move him under your wife’s car ten minutes before she was leaving for work. Boom, after that you can pretty much guarantee that they’ll never ask you to watch their dog again! (Namely, because I can’t imagine anyone ever asking their friend to supervise their dead dog) You can be sure they’ll remember this if they get a new dog though, and even better, they probably won’t even trust you with simple favors or even want to talk to you. Talk about freeing up your time and organizing your life for once!
If you don’t have the stomach for dog-murder, or are all dog-murdered out from a recent string of them, then just let the dog stay up late, not bathe, and eat all the junk food it wants. That way when it goes home, it won’t follow the rules. Little Bandit will start talking back and being a sassy little devil*. When they get back from their cruise, they’ll be so busy disciplining their dog that they’ll never have time to take vacations again. And, you’ll never have to dog sit again!
Whichever strategy you employ, just remember that if you do a job badly enough you will never get asked to do it again.
Ayatollah of Apathy
*Yes, I know what you’re thinking and yes, this method also works for getting out of watching anyone’s annoying, sticky children.