Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

From Justin Gawel: Eccentric Dirtbag

Am I Looking Sad Enough? – An Inner Monologue From a Funeral

Boy, everyone is pretty bummed out.  This tie with the Looney Tunes characters on it seems like a bad idea in hindsight.  Yeah, here’s my dad walking over; he’s definitely pissed about the tie.  Well, I’m sorry, Dad, I honestly didn’t think people were going to be sad at this thing since it’s only Aunt May who died.

 

Focus, focus; don’t open the conversation with your dad with, “What’s up, Doc?”  You’re the only one who will think that’s funny and he’ll probably be pissed that you’re not taking yet another funeral seriously.

 

I should probably feel bad.  I did accidentally-on-purpose pull the plug on Aunt May so that I could have a free outlet to charge my phone and play more Angry Birds.  Honestly though, how much does a power strip cost, Aunt May, or are you too cheap to buy that just like you were too cheap to buy me Transformers and instead bought me Gobots for my sixth birthday?  Yes, Aunt May, there is a very, very noticeable difference!

 

Do I make small talk at this funeral, or would people be upset that I’m not spending all of my time thinking about Aunt May, reading scripture, or denouncing evolution more?  I just want to talk about my theories about what’s going to happen on Dance Moms; my relatives don’t have to watch it, I just want them to listen to me while I ramble on. I know, I know, very Aunt May of me to ramble on about something no one else cares about; but come on, relatives; just give the show a chance; I’m trying to do you a favor.  Forget that attention whore, Aunt May, for just one day.

 

Okay, I’ll feign sadness; can’t come on too strong or everyone will notice it for sure.  Channel the hurt from all those times you missed McDonald’s breakfast by a few minutes; you were sad, but not overly sad.  That’s the magic we need now.  Don’t over-do it; don’t try to conjure the overwhelming emotions you experienced during Hurricane Katrina when they cancelled a Gilligan’s Island marathon in lieu of coverage about New Orleans. That was far too sad to draw on for this occasion and it’s going to seem contrived if you try for it.  Really, don’t try to reminisce on the feelings you had for all those poor, innocent people; just trapped and stuck with nothing but the raging water surrounding them as a dark fear crept within you as you slowly realized their situation was beyond anyone’s help and beyond tragic—especially since their only hopes of getting off that island were riding on that idiot Gilligan!

 

A few uncomfortably long hugs and a sweaty handshake or two later and the service starts.  I try to hold it in, but a ghost of a former poo escaped the flesh-mausoleum of my b-hole.  Fortunately, it’s quite pungent, a tear-jerker even.  Nearby relatives inquire if I’m cutting a rotting onion, but I tell them what I think they want to hear: that I think that smell is definitely coming from Aunt May.  They scoff and go back to listening to this eulogy drag on.  A quick look around and I’m fairly sure I’m ruining this funeral and most people seem to be hoping that I die next, but I’m not leaving until after I eat my fill of funeral falafel.

 

The service continues, a lot of people are tearing up and I don’t think it’s just from my gas leak.  This priest is really going on.  He really wants us to feel like we need to believe in God and come back to church and give a lot of money to this place if we want to see Aunt May in heaven when we die.  Well, I’ve got news for you, father, I didn’t like visiting Aunt May when she was on Earth; so if heaven is anything like her house it’s going to reek of pet dander and medical cream by the time I die so just count me out.

 

Wow, I really hope I remembered to set up my DV-R to record that Maury marathon I’m missing by being here—forgetting that would be the real tragedy.

 

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42 responses to “Am I Looking Sad Enough? – An Inner Monologue From a Funeral

  1. A Gripping Life September 12, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    OMG! I almost fell off my chair having a laugh attack. This is good stuff. I’ll be back. (…and I see a few of my blogging buds here. That’s all the confirmation I need to sign up.) Thanks Mr. Gawel!

    • justingawel September 12, 2012 at 10:24 pm

      Thank you, thank you so much for coming by; I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s so inconsiderate of them to pick the day there was a Maury marathon as the day for the funeral, I mean, really!

  2. harmonioustew September 12, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Sounds as if she might want to change her name to “Aunt May Not.” Very funny stuff. You might want to check out a book by Paul Neilan called “Apathy and Other Small Victories,” which I’m in the process of reading. Thanks for liking the piece I wrote today on my other blog, mortalchortle. Vaya con dildos (just kidding).

  3. sassandbalderdash September 13, 2012 at 7:22 am

    This was hilarious! This is almost exactly what I’d be thinking the entire time I’m at a funeral. Someone in my family isn’t doing too well, so I already know one’s coming up. I’m dreading it already.

  4. kelihasablog September 13, 2012 at 9:58 am

    I love ramblings… do it a lot myself, time permitting…LOL Thanks for stopping by my blog yesterday. You’d have to know the whole story to understand…LOL. But I appreciate it very much, even though I’m sure it made no sense what so ever…:D

  5. susielindau September 13, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Too funny! And funerals aren’t usually funny….

  6. thoughtrepost September 14, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    LOL’d pretty hard…Thank You.
    You are unassumingly brilliant.

  7. Penny Lane September 14, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Bahahaha…this is amazing. Yet another post I wish I had written. Awesome.

  8. youngamericanwisdom.com September 18, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    A Looney Tunes tie at a funeral? Absolutely brilliant!

  9. ladyruthless September 20, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Ok, after reading this one I am so sorry I didn’t get a chance to wander over here earlier! Consider yourself followed…

  10. 3 pups in a pop-up September 20, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    This is too funny. I actually had to will myself to cry at a friend’s funeral recently. It seemed to be the “right” thing to do!

  11. Mama Bread Baker September 22, 2012 at 3:32 am

    So good I want to like it twice!

  12. Bil September 27, 2012 at 12:11 am

    I’ve been looking for days for a new off-kilter humor blog to read. You just filled the position. You start today. Congratulations!

  13. Alan Cole September 27, 2012 at 11:02 am

    I, for one, REALLY like the Looney Tunes tie idea. You can’t help it if they simply wouldn’t be cheered up. Your heart was in the right place :-)

  14. Teresa Cleveland Wendel October 3, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    I save my tears for weddings.

  15. lseverson October 12, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Dude, thanks for popping by my blog. I love this. I’m subscribing.

  16. themesanddeviations October 12, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Dude, you are a sick fuck. That’s what makes you so excellent. You know, if there were more people like us there would be fewer people like them; the so called righteous. And you know what? That’s what this world needs; fewer people like them.

    • justingawel October 14, 2012 at 9:16 am

      Gracias, I too would like more people in this world being cool with stories about how awkward the feel at funerals and how soon is too soon to jerk off after you’ve been at a funeral.

  17. robinbeverly October 14, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Justin, I don’t know whether to laugh or be horrified…which is exactly the humor I like best. I don’t believe I shall be reading the wanking stuff, but man you are very funny. I like your style…though completely inappropriate and unacceptable…you have some good points. I think we could be friends….but I shall never speak to you again. You know how it is. Have a great day. Please go to church, boy. You need some help…I think I love you.

    • justingawel October 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

      Thank you for reading and enjoying my ramblings I think. I’m sure we could be friends also, even if you don’t want to read any of the auto-erotic fiction I have a brewing.

      • robinbeverly October 21, 2012 at 7:03 am

        Yah, Justin, I might just skip that, lol. Just don’t stop writing. You are very funny and made me laugh out loud. I just have to make sure I don’t read you while taking communion. Upchucking the blood of Christ is so messy and unseemly. I’m sure you understand.

      • justingawel October 21, 2012 at 8:24 pm

        I’d go as far to say throwing up anyone’s blood, regardless of messiah status, is going to be pretty unpleasant.

  18. Sobpol October 17, 2012 at 12:05 am

    WTF 36 comments? -I hate you

  19. frequentneed October 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    I did laugh out loud quite often in reading this inner monologue. You are wonderful :)

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