Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

From Justin Gawel: Eccentric Dirtbag

Masturbation Etiquette: A Sticky Situation

Humans are a superficial species; a species who are quick to judge one another on how they handle themselves in public with the biggest red flag being if you are actually “handling yourself” in public.   It’s a double standard in our society where we celebrate a man’s success when he creates a company that profits off of the donations sent to starving children, but, as soon as that charity-mogul-villain whips our his flesh spout to pour himself a fresh, steamy shot of man-yogurt at the local petting zoo, well, that’s when we all finally see him as the abhorrent monster.


Masturbating can be great fun, but we need to recognize that with great power comes great responsibility.   On the plus side though masturbating isn’t like standup comedy, circus performing, or selling nerve tonics where you’d need to be on the road in order to really turn pro.  Take it from me, an old veteran that’s a sure bet for the hall of fame, I went pro right at home around the ripe old age of twelve or thirteen and never looked back, unless I thought someone was walking up behind me when I was in “game-mode”.


When your able to put the time in and be as thorough as you need to be masturbating is a beautiful, like a flower blossoming into a swan at sunrise.  However, when interrupted or done through anxiety, masturbation can turn into a dismal, bleak affair—on par with a black and white documentary about cholera in Latvia.


The caveat comes with sharing your living quarters; you’re roommates are likely not always going to be able to give you the time to light a butterscotch candle or two, draw the shades, and cue up the cassette tape of Danny DeVito reading 50 Shades of Grey.  So maybe you can go all out and fully (trick or) treat yourself each session, but if you can be open with your roommates you can ensure that you’ll at least have the privacy to get your money’s worth from that Kama Sutra For One you bought off Amazon.


As with any relationship, a successful relationship with your roomies about your jerk-off stints is built on the foundation of boundaries, communication, and trust.  It begins with everyone acknowledging that they all masturbate and recognizing that it’s just a natural, relaxing thing to do that there should be absolutely no guilt attached to.  Masturbating is simply more effective when you’re doing it than when a stranger doing it to you—you know what you like.  Think of Pandora Radio. Pandora Radio is like a handjob to me; I can make a better playlist myself, but sometimes I’m lazy and it’s nice to have someone else do it for me.


If the mutual trust is there between you and your roommates you’ll be able to revel in the fact that if you’re in the middle of crank yankin’ or flickin’ the Skittle and your roommate knocks on your door you can quickly communicate something like, “Hold on, broski, I’m in the middle of a fat-beat-off sesh.”  It’s as easy as relaying those thirteen simple words to your roommate mysteriously hairy ears.  You trust your roommate to respect your boundaries and give you the serenity needed to Miracle Whip up a frothy helping of your Hellman’s Original man-nnaise (or the woman-nnaise equivalent) and, in turn, your roommate trusts you that you are actually masturbating and not reading his diary or burning his clothes again.  Unless he knows your sexual aroused by reading diaries written by adult men or by the sweet, sweet, amours aroma of smoldering polyester; then he’d probably be suspicious.


There you have it: trust, communication, and boundaries; be honest and effectively inform your housemates of your actions if they get close to breaking through your comfort threshold and they’ll be sure to reciprocate the action.


Also, just be cool and use discretion if during Spring Cleaning you find a really crusty sock next to a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal in my room.



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57 responses to “Masturbation Etiquette: A Sticky Situation

  1. becca3416 October 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    You describe semen so colorully! Something tells me you might enjoy my post about the cum tree?

    Also, I liked that you compared a hand job from someone else to Pandora making you a playlist. Now, when I listen to Pandora I will think of a second rate hand job. Hooray!

  2. dreamshadow59 October 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Very funny!!! For that, you get one hand around Mr. Happy… Hehehehehe.

  3. Can I Get ur Number?? October 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    The Pandora comment was clutch, hand jobs are awful

  4. Christopher De Voss October 12, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    Danny DeVito reading 50 Shades of Grey? Is this on Amazon? My birthday is coming up….

  5. Katie October 13, 2012 at 7:03 am

    So true! This applies to women, too.

  6. gingerfightback October 13, 2012 at 7:48 am

    It’s a relief to find some much wisdom to hand in this one post.

  7. hazeldove76 October 14, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    I’m loving that you actually made proper use of the Devito-Shades concept. Especially the cassette part. Just make sure you have a pencil handy in case it becomes unwound.

    • justingawel October 15, 2012 at 7:08 pm

      It’s good to keep a pencil handy because the cassette is integral to me focusing on giving my pencil a handy while I’m unwinding.

      And yes, this world needs more Danny DeVito reading erotica.

  8. Mike Martinez October 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Jake G. huh? He doesn’t do much for me….

    • justingawel October 15, 2012 at 7:13 pm

      Oh, it’s all about that Christmas scene from Jarhead. With that look I’d let him drop off a sack load of whatever he pleases underneath my tree.

      Also, thank you for the reblog. I like the site you guys have going on there.

  9. frequentneed October 17, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I think I love you. This was so funny, nice start to my day :)

  10. rolandtrotter October 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Thanks for Liking a post on my blog, I really appreciated it. I read a few of your post and its nice to find a good humor blog on wordpress. Normally when I search humor blogs on wordpress all I can find are pictures with silly captions.

  11. Grass Oil by Molly Field October 18, 2012 at 9:49 am

    brilliant! i need danny devito. like a hot bagel. no, i need the bagel more, then a poster of david cassidy. i have to stop now, this is too fun. thanks for the laff. :)

  12. Maggie O'C October 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    oh jeez! I gotta send this one to my better half. You rock!

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  14. Enigma November 3, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Great points from a Master Bater. Well written! Warning to women: Sitting on Justin’s keyboard could result in unwanted pregnancy. Oh and thanks for visiting my blog.

  15. The egg man November 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Masturbator cum laude…I like where you went with this. Loved the similes and metaphors! Keep blogging, bro!

  16. littlemissmayflower November 15, 2012 at 3:02 am

    fuckinnggggg hosing myself!!!!!! Brilliant!

  17. Sandee November 25, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    Jake Gyllenhaal?! — I saw him first!

  18. wildoats1962 November 27, 2012 at 3:32 am

    About certain things one can never be too polite. Growing up the walls were thin. There’s nothing quite like the sound of Mom and Dad to traumatize the young Wild. I learned to be very quiet with someone or alone. My partners didn’t always like that. There have been a few times when people were in the next tent, or worse, in the other room of the same tent. I would make a terrible porn actor. I would be constantly nervous with watchers. With my own kids I tried to make sure I didn’t traumatize them in the same way. Watch porn on mute, if at play turn up the radio/tv.


  19. Taygibay November 28, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Just the title … one expects to have WTMF ( Way Too Much Fun ), thnx co-weirdo, Tay.

  20. jcd kerwin December 13, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Great responsibility indeed.
    And ain’t nothing wrong with Jake Gyllenhaal.


  21. RobFather-X! December 20, 2012 at 3:16 am

    As a “professional” (lol) long time, proud masturbator, I found this story awesome because it was a fun read and I could certainly relate to the privacy issue of a roommate. I don’t recall if I had the kind of frank openness with any of my roommates about jack off sessions which you spoke of, particularly when I was in the Navy, but while in the Navy, especially on ship, for the most part, jerking off was the kind of thing every guy did and every guy knew the guy sleeping in the rack (bed) above or below him , in the shower stall or the shitter farthest to the wall, was doing. Ahh.., the memories of my “catching” or overhearing some dude in the act… among other things!! Those were the days! Boy, do I have some stories of my own to tell!

    • justingawel December 20, 2012 at 7:12 pm

      Indeed, the mutual understanding is a common code among most men and most people in general I feel like. I see it like doing laundry; you assume your friends and family all do it, you’re just not around when they do usually. Highly encourage you to indulge us with your musings on masturbating though!

  22. dailyshorts December 21, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    When I saw the title, I immediately had to read. Hi-larious! Loved it right from this point: “but, as soon as that charity-mogul-villain whips our his flesh spout to pour himself a fresh, steamy shot of man-yogurt”. Never thought of it as a “profession”, but now I know.

  23. Renee Porsia December 28, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Thanks for liking one of my posts. I read this and it’s hilarious..it’s amazing you can type with one hand! :-)

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