Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

From Justin Gawel: Eccentric Dirtbag

High Schooler’s Plan for the Apocalypse

We can all agree high school kids are idiots.  We always make comments about them like, “Oh, she’s so smart for her age,” and never, “Oh, she’s so smart”.  We, rightfully, handicap the field to pay them a compliment; it’s like saying, “He walks pretty well for having Gout,” or, “She has a pretty good appetite for just watching them pull the plug on Grandma.”  Now, dead-grandma-Old-Country-Buffet-trip or no dead-grandma-Old-Country-Buffet-trip, high school kids still remain pretty dumb on the whole and incredibly easy to trick into anything.

 

Now, the chucklehead who sat behind me in tenth-grade English was no exception.  He wasn’t illiterate, but you sure couldn’t tell.  I remember convincing him that Hemmingway’s A Farewell to Arms was titled as such because the main character’s arms are blown off in an explosion at the end.   Like an old woman slipping on a banana peel and breaking her hip as she lands in a pile of wet garbage and cats, it was hysterical and sad all at the same time.

 

One day before class this future community college dropout was speculating on how he wants to go out when the world freezes over.  Yes, he is convinced that the world is going to end where everyone and everything is suspended in time and completely frozen, because, clearly, he sees the only logical end of the world being a super villain using some sort of doomsday device to freeze us all after the ransom of ten-thousand Asian babies isn’t paid.  Climate change, asteroids, nuclear war—all of these theories never crossed his mind or do not hold any credibility in his mind.  Refreshing to see that he doesn’t pay attention in his science or social studies classes either.

 

Chucklehead elaborates further that at the moment of said hyper-freezing of the world he wants to mid-coitus with a lady.  This way, in his eyes, when future beings thaw his corpse out there will never be any doubt in their eyes on whether or not this man was able to get pussy.  Adamant, he said this was the way he wanted to go out as, apparently, there is nothing else in his life he would want to be remembered by other than his ability to convince this one lucky woman let him wiggle around his stink pickle inside of her this one instance.

 

It’s shocking to me that this was the only way that he thought he could demonstrate his pussy prowess to future archaeologists.  Frankly, he could have just wished to be with his children when the world ended; a touching gesture that confirms that this man had raised children and has had sex in the past.  If he didn’t want his kids to be with him he could have just asked to die clutching child support and alimony collection letters, further demonstrating that at least during one point during his life he was able to let his bathing suit area rub up against a lady’s bathing suit area enough to get her pregnant.

 

Really, this chucklehead is overlooking the most obvious solution which would be just constantly prepare for the end of the world by perpetually wearing a t-shirt that says something like “I Fuck On the First Date”, “Pussy Poacher”, or “I’m RSVP-ing to the Orgy As “Cumming””, as any one of those t-shirts would undoubtedly be worn by an individual who wants to show off how much sex they have had.

 

To be James Blunt, his solution leaves a lot to be desired.  First off, slowly freezing to death with your penis out sounds like horrible way to die.  Plus what if the archaeologists interpret it wrong? I mean, honestly, what if they do a future autopsy and reveal that the girl died four hours before the world ended and Chucklehead died?

 

As for me I’m hoping to die the way I lived—drunk and in a karaoke related mishap.

 

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40 responses to “High Schooler’s Plan for the Apocalypse

  1. Christopher De Voss November 25, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    I disagree. I think being frozen to death with my penis out is an awesome way to go. I want to confuse the survivors that find me by wearing a clown wig,and nipple tassels as well.

  2. Atypical Aryan Librarian November 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    Love this. No opinion on freezing to death with genitals hanging out, as I keep mine inside.

  3. Linus Fernandes November 26, 2012 at 3:06 am

    DECENT POST. IS the f-word actually necessary in your writing?

    • justingawel November 26, 2012 at 5:59 pm

      Thank you for your kind words. Honestly, I think in that instance it was necessary to convey how blunt a t-shirt someone like that would wear would be. The “fuck” in that sentence is not intended for shock purposes, but rather to flesh out the desperation and the childishness of Chucklehead in the story.

  4. becca3416 November 26, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Do they really make shirts that say that?

  5. Maggie O'C November 26, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Your posts are always so thought-provoking.

  6. avamaura November 26, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    When I read “wiggle around his stink pickle” I lost my shit. Thanks. You just might be my new favorite.

  7. wheezyfj November 26, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    I’m not sure what is funnier: this post, or the fact that you filed this under Erotic Fiction.

  8. EricaShultz November 27, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    “…Hysterical and sad, all at the same time.” Awesome post! :D

  9. UndercoverL November 28, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    What an introduction to your blogging style! I like what I see! One issue, though. I can’t imagine a ransom of 10,000 Asian babies couldn’t be raised. I am not being racist, I am just saying that I am sure there are at least 10,000 Asian orphans. Nope, no matter how I said it, it still sounds terrible. I am certainly going to Hell for my lack of political correctness. But it’s still true.

    • justingawel November 29, 2012 at 11:31 pm

      It’s accurate, I like your realistic take and now that I actually think about it I think we could round up 10,000 Asian babies and, I know it also sounds terrible, but I don’t think that would be that tough.

  10. Don't Quote Lily November 28, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    Lol, stink pickle.
    Hilarious!

  11. Betty L'Ursula November 30, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Very funny stuff. Thank you for getting me here to read. And thank you so much for checking out my story – Walter Vs the Woodchuck. I’m new here so connect because I don’t know how yet. Because I’m a 51 year hold high school dummy. :}

  12. trish-a-lish November 30, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    I would love for you to expand upon the many possible scenarios that fall under the umbrella of “karaoke-related mishaps.” As a frequent drunk public crooner myself, I am intrigued and can certainly see the allure of freezing to death on stage, in the middle of something by George Michael. ;-)

  13. robinbeverly December 7, 2012 at 8:09 am

    I’m not sure what “death by a Karaoke mishap” would look like, but I so want to be there. Let me know if that should occur. I’ll take the day off work and do the writeup later.

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