We can all agree high school kids are idiots. We always make comments about them like, “Oh, she’s so smart for her age,” and never, “Oh, she’s so smart”. We, rightfully, handicap the field to pay them a compliment; it’s like saying, “He walks pretty well for having Gout,” or, “She has a pretty good appetite for just watching them pull the plug on Grandma.” Now, dead-grandma-Old-Country-Buffet-trip or no dead-grandma-Old-Country-Buffet-trip, high school kids still remain pretty dumb on the whole and incredibly easy to trick into anything.
Now, the chucklehead who sat behind me in tenth-grade English was no exception. He wasn’t illiterate, but you sure couldn’t tell. I remember convincing him that Hemmingway’s A Farewell to Arms was titled as such because the main character’s arms are blown off in an explosion at the end. Like an old woman slipping on a banana peel and breaking her hip as she lands in a pile of wet garbage and cats, it was hysterical and sad all at the same time.
One day before class this future community college dropout was speculating on how he wants to go out when the world freezes over. Yes, he is convinced that the world is going to end where everyone and everything is suspended in time and completely frozen, because, clearly, he sees the only logical end of the world being a super villain using some sort of doomsday device to freeze us all after the ransom of ten-thousand Asian babies isn’t paid. Climate change, asteroids, nuclear war—all of these theories never crossed his mind or do not hold any credibility in his mind. Refreshing to see that he doesn’t pay attention in his science or social studies classes either.
Chucklehead elaborates further that at the moment of said hyper-freezing of the world he wants to mid-coitus with a lady. This way, in his eyes, when future beings thaw his corpse out there will never be any doubt in their eyes on whether or not this man was able to get pussy. Adamant, he said this was the way he wanted to go out as, apparently, there is nothing else in his life he would want to be remembered by other than his ability to convince this one lucky woman let him wiggle around his stink pickle inside of her this one instance.
It’s shocking to me that this was the only way that he thought he could demonstrate his pussy prowess to future archaeologists. Frankly, he could have just wished to be with his children when the world ended; a touching gesture that confirms that this man had raised children and has had sex in the past. If he didn’t want his kids to be with him he could have just asked to die clutching child support and alimony collection letters, further demonstrating that at least during one point during his life he was able to let his bathing suit area rub up against a lady’s bathing suit area enough to get her pregnant.
Really, this chucklehead is overlooking the most obvious solution which would be just constantly prepare for the end of the world by perpetually wearing a t-shirt that says something like “I Fuck On the First Date”, “Pussy Poacher”, or “I’m RSVP-ing to the Orgy As “Cumming””, as any one of those t-shirts would undoubtedly be worn by an individual who wants to show off how much sex they have had.
To be James Blunt, his solution leaves a lot to be desired. First off, slowly freezing to death with your penis out sounds like horrible way to die. Plus what if the archaeologists interpret it wrong? I mean, honestly, what if they do a future autopsy and reveal that the girl died four hours before the world ended and Chucklehead died?
As for me I’m hoping to die the way I lived—drunk and in a karaoke related mishap.
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I disagree. I think being frozen to death with my penis out is an awesome way to go. I want to confuse the survivors that find me by wearing a clown wig,and nipple tassels as well.
Haha, well, there is always that option. Future natural history museums just got a whole lot sexier!
Dear God, after years and years of attending Graduations, this speech might have brought me out of my stupor. Thanks for dropping by my blog.
Wonderful, I’m flattered to be the measuring stick by which all graduating children are now compared to.
Love this. No opinion on freezing to death with genitals hanging out, as I keep mine inside.
Good thinking, unable to keep mine on my actual inside I’ve had to resort to the next best thing: a well-knit warm sock
DECENT POST. IS the f-word actually necessary in your writing?
Thank you for your kind words. Honestly, I think in that instance it was necessary to convey how blunt a t-shirt someone like that would wear would be. The “fuck” in that sentence is not intended for shock purposes, but rather to flesh out the desperation and the childishness of Chucklehead in the story.
Loved your blog. Read my comments about teenage life at http://whackupyourfacebook.wordpress.com/2012/11/24/first-love-really/
Thank you very much. I very much enjoyed your saga about stealing and arousal as a teenager.
Do they really make shirts that say that?
I think you can only buy one if you’ve poached a fair share of pussies on the pro-circuit.
Naturally, I wouldn’t know for sure.
Your posts are always so thought-provoking.
Haha, wow, awesome! I usually don’t get thought-provoking as a comment, but thank you; I love it!
They resonate, genitals in or out at the end of the world? Ahhh, the age old question…
Plus, what is history going to think if you’re a grower not a shower?
When I read “wiggle around his stink pickle” I lost my shit. Thanks. You just might be my new favorite.
Thank you very much. I’m really glad you like it. Here’s to hoping “stink pickle” catches on with the young kids’ generation of slang.
Oh yes, #stinkpickle better start trending! Ha! I agree with avamaura
I love it! Can’t wait to see #stinkpickle trending!
I’m not sure what is funnier: this post, or the fact that you filed this under Erotic Fiction.
That’s true, I really should have used the erotic non-fiction tab.
“…Hysterical and sad, all at the same time.” Awesome post!
Perfect, hysterical and sad is exactly what I was going for! Thank you again.
What an introduction to your blogging style! I like what I see! One issue, though. I can’t imagine a ransom of 10,000 Asian babies couldn’t be raised. I am not being racist, I am just saying that I am sure there are at least 10,000 Asian orphans. Nope, no matter how I said it, it still sounds terrible. I am certainly going to Hell for my lack of political correctness. But it’s still true.
It’s accurate, I like your realistic take and now that I actually think about it I think we could round up 10,000 Asian babies and, I know it also sounds terrible, but I don’t think that would be that tough.
Lol, stink pickle.
Hilarious!
Thank you very much; here’s to hoping that pairing makes it way into the modern American lexicon!
Very funny stuff. Thank you for getting me here to read. And thank you so much for checking out my story – Walter Vs the Woodchuck. I’m new here so connect because I don’t know how yet. Because I’m a 51 year hold high school dummy. :}
Thank you for the kind words. Don’t worry about being new; most people on here are really nice and supportive. It’s pretty awesome!
I would love for you to expand upon the many possible scenarios that fall under the umbrella of “karaoke-related mishaps.” As a frequent drunk public crooner myself, I am intrigued and can certainly see the allure of freezing to death on stage, in the middle of something by George Michael.
These karaoke related mishaps can be more common than you think. One moment your rocking, singing George Michael at the top of you lungs, and then Wham! you’re hit with a bottle from someone who is jealous with rage and the bartender forgets to Wake You Up Before He Go-Gos and you end up bleeding out on the floor that night
Hahaha ohhhh I see!! So you could say… they took the boom-boom out of your heart!!
Yikes sorry that was bad, you took all the good Wham! puns….
Haha, that was solid! Also, I don’t think there is such thing as a bad Wham! pun.
lol.
I’m not sure what “death by a Karaoke mishap” would look like, but I so want to be there. Let me know if that should occur. I’ll take the day off work and do the writeup later.
Oh, I’m not sure either! My bet is that the g-forces from my power thrusts during my rendition of “Summer Lovin’” where I sing both parts will throw the Earth off of it’s axis and send us all hurling into either deep space or the Sun.
One can only hope.
Time will tell I suppose.