Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

From Justin Gawel: Eccentric Dirtbag

A Sobering Graduation Speech

Fellow graduates in the class of 2012, I stand before you today to look back while we look forward toward tomorrow.  From science fairs, to homecoming pregnancy scandals and resulting cover-ups, to the annual tontine, boy, we’ve seen it all and I don’t think I could have asked for a better chucklehort of chuckleheads to be there with me each step of the way.


I know it’s cliché, and I’m as cliché an adult baby as they come, but I can’t believe it’s Graduation Day.  Here we are, the Class of 2012, in our gowns and mortarboards ready to walk across that stage in all of our pompous circumstance.   We’ve become so close and I feel like I know some of you as well as I know my own siblings.   It’s hard to believe that six weeks ago when this court-appointed alcohol class started that I said I didn’t deserve to be lumped in with you degenerate problem drinkers.


Whew, I am on pins and needles!  No, it’s not just because I’m giving a speech.  No, it’s not because I ran out of underwear this morning and am wearing a diaper made out of newspaper now.  And, no, it’s not even because I had my first beer yesterday since my arrest and then couldn’t stop drinking, no, right now I’m worried about tripping when I walk across the stage, right, guys, right?


Today’s also bittersweet.  We’re at the end of a golden age and as soon as Marcy P., the substance abuse coordinator here, tells us to move our tassels from right to left we’ll no longer be classmates, we’ll no longer be brothers in booze, we’ll just be adults in silly outfits complying with the terms of our respective probations.


Now, as you should know, you’re all invited to my open house tomorrow.  Yeah, I know, Erickson; you scheduled yours on the same day.  I’m sorry, but here goes: Erickson, you’re a poseur and I know I’m more popular than you.  I’m not as popular as Chad or the Moose, but come on; I know I’m more popular than the weiner who tries too hard to make friends.  In fact, Erickson, I think we’re all beginning to suspect you didn’t actually get a drunk-and-disorderly for vomiting in a magician’s hat at Sea World like you said, but rather that you just signed up for this class in a failed attempt to meet people and network.


Really, guys, I know I’m taking up the middle of my commencement speech talking about how you should come to my party and not Erickson’s.  Seriously though, come to mine; we’re going to have the barbecue going, we might rent a cotton candy machine.  It’s going to be awesome, everyone’s going to get their genitals touched and we’re seriously going to get so drunk, har har, just kidding—or maybe I’m not, wink!  Anywho, you all should come out, it’ll be fun.  Plus, I still need a couple of you to sign my yearbook.   Sensitive Sally Simpson, I’m looking at you!


Now that we’ve all got our suspended licenses back, we’ve all really started to live again. It didn’t matter if it was a school night, we were always going to the movies, the twenty-four hour shoe repair shop, Make-Out Creek, you name it and we can be there; living it up as only the Class of 2012 could.


Jocks, geeks, foreigners with weird socks, we never let cliques get in the way of being friends.  The camaraderie between all of us was amazing; we all would come out to cheer for our beloved football team, we all pitched in to help with the homecoming dance, and we all came together to put on Oklahoma! for a group of Mothers Against Drunk Driving.  Boy, that evening was a hoot to say the least!


I’m proud so say I’m part of this cohesive bunch; a cohesive bunch that includes everyone except Erickson.   I know we’ll be able to stay in touch as we return to our lives as alcoholic mailmen, alcoholic snake charmers, and alcoholic students, like Buglesson, who is applying to further his education right now, mostly because the court thinks he needs more education about learning about how it’s not cool to get drunk and threaten to throw your wife down the stairs just because the Giants lost.


I’ll miss you all.  You all are amazing people and I can’t want for our camping trip in a few weeks!


And I’m flattered that you all voted for me for “Best Sense of Humor” in the mock elections, solely based on that one time when I farted real loud during that movie about car accidents.


Once again, graduates, congrats; I’m proud to be a part Class of 2012!



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28 responses to “A Sobering Graduation Speech

  1. becca3416 November 30, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    I once got a minor in possession for chugging a beer while in line for a port-o-potty at age 20. Does that count? Can I come to the party?

  2. Christopher De Voss November 30, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    No one is as popular as The Moose.

  3. lyricaljungle November 30, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Ahh your writing style!! Lmao!! Congratulations Graduate

  4. domesticmajestic November 30, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    This is great. Your humor is dry and sharp, and I love this speech. Also, I love your banner picture. It’s hysterical. :)

  5. UndercoverL November 30, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Class of 2011 Rox! Class of 2012 Sux Rox!

  6. Tech Tard December 5, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    HAahahaaa!! Beautiful graduation speech! I seriously LOL’ed! :D

  7. Leslie Jo December 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    Justin, you are a hoot and a half.. I’m flattered that you liked my post “The Tap Dance Experiment” and hope you tried it. I agree with lyricajungle and domesticmajestic that you have a unique voice that is hilariously witty. Your writing reminds me of my favorite writer, Mr. J.D. Salinger. Is that your real hair? If so, I am humbled by your righteous fro. I’ll have to post some photos of my hair from the 1970’s and 80’s before the invention of “product”. Please keep writing. Thanks!

    • justingawel December 6, 2012 at 3:59 pm

      Thank you for the kind words! I am always a fan of spontaneous tap dancing by the way. I am flattered that you would compare to the late Mr. Salinger; seriously, that is very nice of you. To answer your other question, yes, that is what my hair looks like when it gets longer, that picture in the avatar was my school picture from when I was fifteen I believe. Nowadays I look more like the Justin in the banner or on the About Mr. Gawel page.

  8. meesha December 6, 2012 at 5:24 am

    That’s one of the funniest blog posts I’ve read in a long tome ! :lol:

  9. robinbeverly December 6, 2012 at 7:52 am

    It’s so nice to see that you are starting your public writing life so young. You have so many exciting adventures ahead. Congratulations as you graduate and move forward. I look forward to reading your first book when you publish it. You are very witty.

    • justingawel December 6, 2012 at 4:02 pm

      Wow, I’m blushing as I write this, but thank you for the very nice comment. I do hope that writing will lead to adventures and books down the road; it is truly something that I love to do and I would be ecstatic to be able to make a career out of it.

  10. Maggie O'C December 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    And a link to this is going to my brother, Class of ’04. Erickson was a loser then, too.

  11. jimmydevious December 9, 2012 at 12:01 am

    The only benefit for fat orphans I plan to attend is in the near future is the one where I get to donate 50 simoleons to walk behind one of them playing a Tuba. ;)

    But yeah, TV, Film, and comic book discussionology are WAY more fun than listening to epic ego masturbation. The only time I really enjoy observing ot participating in back-patting is if there’s a woman involved…wearing sprayed-on tight Wranglers!

    Yes sir! B)

    • justingawel December 10, 2012 at 5:43 pm

      I too would pay to walking behind a fat kid with a tuba; that truly would be the best way to spend my birthday. And yeah, I totally agree that people who aren’t women in sprayed on Wranglers need to talk less about how great they think they are.

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