Attn: Kelsey Sanders
Model UN President, Lincoln Middle School Chapter
Lincoln Middle School
1212 Electric Ave.
Dear Ms. Sanders,
Eccentric dirbag, handsome lover, cheese and meat sampler: a smattering of terms used to describe me. Nevertheless, notably absent from the list is “Model United Nations Rascal”, however, with my acceptance into your bunch you, your fellow sixth graders, and myself could really change that. Please, Kelsey, my life is in a non-Tom Petty freefall; my catnaps are turning into siestas. Those siestas are stretching into non-cat naps, and those non-cat naps are extending into eighteen hour periods of lethargic hibernation during which my muscles and organs have began to atrophy.
Please, toss me the life raft that is middle-school Model UN. I need to have a reason to stop sleeping my life away.
I would be a great addition to your non-magical guild. You see I’m a student of global conflict. I’m a avid watcher of news; why, just this week I saw Matt Lauer interview a child with a courageous puppy whose novel, Bow-WOW!, is out this week, Kathie Lee Gifford gave me tips for hosting a Martin Luther King Jr. Day party that your friends and family would dream of, and Willard Scott wished happy birthday to a few old-ass biddies. Judging by the lack of world events they covered on a national news show, I can safely assume that currently there are no global conflicts occurring anywhere.
However, when the global crises do arrive, I’m quick thinking and decisive, usually coming to a conclusion that I’ll obediently stand behind, even before I have all the necessary information and generally before the informant has finished speaking. I think people respect the swiftness of my verdicts; plus, whenever I make the wrong choice, I can just blame it on not listening to all the information. See, I’m not stupid; I’m just impatient and like to keep the game moving.
Further, I’m overtly boisterous, raucous, and will keep talking even if I have no idea what point I’m trying to make; perfect traits for embodying the rowdy, yet occasionally misguided, nations of Texas or Australia. My participation grade will be a formality; everyone will know when I’m making a point because all of my points will be yelled and drown out any other voices. Frankly, I don’t see any other way for my no-nonsense views on tariffs and pro-nonsense views on embargoes to be expressed.
Calling caucuses has always been another strength. I don’t understand what was said during the preamble—boom, caucus. I have to take an emergency bathroom excursion and then claim things from the Lost and Found—bang, caucus. I think of a slick pick-up line to get that sexy, Model UN faculty advisor Ms. Whitney into my figurative lederhosen—you guess it, caucus, then, hopefully, a pre-emptive, yet still consensual, blitzkrieg into Ms. Whitney’s sassy advisor’s outfit in the deserted cafeteria kitchen, complete with me eating the war rations of thawed chicken nuggets and Funyuns that I totally found in there.
Under your leadership, we can make a great Model UN. Solving hypothetical world crises, learning about current events, and yelling at middle-schoolers: I’m ready for it all. We’re going to create an amazing and authentic Model UN, and, personally, I think it should start by assigning a different, more realistic, delegate for the Republic of Congo than the obese kid with blonde hair.
Hopefully, I’ll be joining your fun club soon. I’ll even make my famous dish of Kraft American Singles on a paper plate for you guys when I come to my first meeting.
Politically Delicious and Deliciously Political,