Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

From Justin Gawel: Eccentric Dirtbag

Fun and Failure Both Start With Creative Liberties [Part 2/2]

Thank you, everyone, for tuning in last week. Now enjoy Part Two of another countless chapter in my saga of disappointing employers.

Second Rejected Article: Homemade Bidet—All Systems Flow

Years of itching, designing, and dreaming have finally paid off. Figuratively, I’ve shat and will get off the pot, but, literally, it’s now because I have a bidet.

I’ll admit, it was a tough road littered with plenty of failure and “unforgiveable” messes.  Now, though, I’ve scaled the impossible precipice and have crafted the world’s first affordable, portable bidet. Models and operating systems have been tweaked and twerked. I’ve stumbled onto a couple, what I like to call, bi-dos and, frankly, I’ve committed more than my share of bi-don’ts. Yet, looking out from this mountain’s summit, I can tell you that this destination was well worth the journey.

Flashback: several crusty years earlier, a despondently irritated Justin Gawel and his equally ill-tempered brown eye simmer in a Ramada hot tub. I can’t spell out my epiphany exactly, but it resulted from a combination of genuine curiosity, a soothing Jacuzzi jet, and a healthy disregard for the pool area’s posted rules. I’d found a remedy to my dump hole’s perpetual prickliness and I would stop at nothing to harness such power within my own domicile. A veil had been truly lifted and my life would never be the same.

Buying a hot tub was too expensive, as was buying a Ramada. I found a place specializing in installing bidets, but, alas, that too was outside my budget of forty American dollars.

Laboring under my fiscal constraints, I tested out several early ideas. The cheapest was merely a series of purposeful aiming with strategic body positioning while in my shower. City water, gravity, and hope joined forces to deliver, well, subpar results. This technique grazed the surface of my problem, but it didn’t have the concentration I sought. I wanted a scout sniper and the showerhead was only a firing squad.

Next I purchased an old water pick at a garage sale. At only six dollars, it was well within my price range and expectations were high. Sadly, in practice, it was a dismal disaster. Weak and frail, the pick had the precision but not the power. I didn’t need a soloist—what I needed was the entire orchestra playing measure after measure with accuracy, passion, and poise. I was young and sloppy then; I wanted the results without putting in the effort.

Stagnancy set in. The next half-decade was filled with nothing but apathy, tears, and bouts with Itchy Butthole Syndrome.  There was no end in sight. But then one Saturday near Christmas, while listlessly wandering through the mall, an overloaded obese woman in a dress dropped a mirror onto the polished tile and it shattered. Shattered in a way that one of its fragments gave me a truly vomit-inducing view of her entire undercarriage. I was suddenly inspired. Not by her grubby overgrowth, but by the previously-overlooked notion of utilizing mirrors.

In this fated-frenzy she’d also dropped a SuperSoaker that I immediately snapped up. I bolted out of the mall, my new water gun in hand and my solution in mind. Once home, I attached a small mirror to the front of said aquatic novelty and, at long last, I was able to wield a device that could be forceful while being as exact as I needed it to be.

Today, I live a charmed life. Now with my SuperSoaker-mirror apparatus, I wield the power and tact necessary to splinter away any and all crap-nel left clinging to my backdoor. My life had changed for the better and I can now best my IBS any day.

Thank you, Ramada!

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10 responses to “Fun and Failure Both Start With Creative Liberties [Part 2/2]

  1. shalilah2002 March 8, 2014 at 11:06 pm

    Buying a hot tub whatever. Last summer we bought a walk-in tub and I sort of miss my old tub. Just a tidbit I want to share with you

    • justingawel March 9, 2014 at 1:18 pm

      How does a walk-in tub work? I’m picturing a gate, but I’m guessing that can’t be right.

      • shalilah2002 March 9, 2014 at 9:14 pm

        It’s a door that you just open and you just walk in. You have to make sure all the water is out of the tub before you open it when you get out .or it’ll be all over your bathroom floor, That happened to me one time;';;;;

      • justingawel March 10, 2014 at 10:08 pm

        Haha, okay, I think I’ve got a picture now. It does sound quite relaxing without all the jitters and anxiety of stepping into a normal tub.

  2. Maggie O'C March 10, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    You are so cute and funny and disturbingly gross.

  3. cat9984 March 11, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    And the world is a happier place with a cleaner Justin, yes?

  4. Shelley April 7, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    Or you could have saved yourself time, or a possible stint in jail, by purchasing a japanese toilet. Now those, those are the bomb. :)

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