A non-comprehensive collection

Almost Strangers Almost on an Almost Train

“Honey, we’ve gone over this; Jane and I are just catching up today.


“No, no, no, I’d never do anything like that; it’d be like eating Jif when you’ve got Skippy waiting at home. Look, you and I have been married eleven wonderful years. I wouldn’t—I couldn’t—throw all this away for some choosy, opinionated mom in a railcar-style diner.


“Don’t worry about a thing. Jane and I were together for, maybe, three weeks back when were fresh out of college. She’s essentially a stranger at this point, a boring, weak-tea-and-water-flavored-oatmeal-ordering stranger. You’re the keeper. Fun, a little daring, you’re the one I chose to share my life with. Jane’s no keeper; she’s more like taupe wallpaper: static, particular, and painfully bland.


“I couldn’t tell you specifics; it’s been close to twenty years since I’ve seen her. Really, I’m remembering across-the-board average: not pretty enough or freakish enough to turn heads. Made-for-TV-movie forgettable. You’re much more attractive, okay? Is that the ego boost you’re looking for? Fine, yes, if we must, we can rehash that everyone I ever dated before you was a filthy tramp crafted out of nothing more than wickedness and cellulite.


“Wait, honey, that’s brilliant. Jane would be perfect; she’s oozing with pure nondescript unremarkableness! I can see it now, ‘Be on the lookout for an ordinary, possibly Caucasian, bipedal, carbon-based maybe-woman wearing muted tones and being likely some number of years old.’ The police would be stumped; Jane’d never be caught, let alone ever linked back to us.


“No, stop, no more second guessing; it was a good idea and it’s the right thing to do. Uncle Rich has been squandering away his fortune, our owed inheritance, in that assisted-care facility long enough. Sponge baths, cable, electricity for his breathing machine, glamor enemas, he’s become unbearably frivolous! We get Plain Jane in there, she inadvertently pulls his plug, I’ll yank out a life-sustaining plug or two in her life or maybe, like, clean her gutters or something, and we’re good. A little guilt-riddled, but financially set. Crisscross.


“It just makes sense; the numbers don’t lie. Neither of our parents will give us the money to support our lifestyle. Neither of us can get the hours at work. We’re already on our second mortgage and creditors are calling every day. At this point we just need to do what’s right for us. It’s the best option. Family comes first, and immediate family comes before nearly-dead, flush-with-cash uncle.


“We can’t waver. This could solve everything. It’s our Hail Mary but desperate times call for desperate measures and if we’re going to have the funds in place to buy a new speedboat in time for summer we need him to die ASAP. I just can’t wait to see our so-called friends, green with envy, as the two of us zip around the lake on our new forty-footer, no longer the laughingstock of the club. This will be our summer, baby; an uncle murder is a small price to pay to finally achieve affluence and social status.


“Now don’t you worry your pretty little head. I’ll press Jane to get this done quick; I think the boat show’s in town next weekend.”

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8 responses to “Almost Strangers Almost on an Almost Train

  1. Susan Acton May 28, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    You are back! ….and based on this premise….remind me to keep you out of the will!

    Just kidding….tho this you’ll have been more funny to me if you weren’t inheriting.

    This was very creative. Where do you get such a range of ideas?

    • justingawel May 29, 2014 at 5:21 pm

      Indeed, it’s been a couple busy months that I’ve been bad about writing for this. Haha, I hadn’t thought of from your perspective, but I do promise there won’t be any Strangers on an Inheritance Train nonsense in your future.

      This idea was one I had a few months back that I had kept adding to in the notes. I’ve been a big fan of having some sort of reveal in the last couple; it makes it fun to construct in the initial planning, knowing that the whole thing needs to work without revealing anything at the start.

  2. lmarieallen May 28, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    Glamor enemas….now there’s a business I can get behind:)

  3. Unsolicited Advice May 29, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    Good luck at the social club. If you can I would recommend pulling a few plugs for plain Jane AND cleaning her gutters. Just in case you ever want to work your way up the social club ladder. A little social club murder is a sure way to the top.

  4. Maggie O'C June 2, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Welcome back. You are such a clever writer and I know that sounds stupid but this is a great take on the movie.

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