Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

From Justin Gawel: Eccentric Dirtbag

Category Archives: Nice

Where Does the Time Go: I’m Terribly Sorry

What’s the old expression, if ifs and sluts were candy and butts than every day would be Christmas? Teach a man to fish and he’ll go fishing instead of writing? Excuses are like buttholes: everyone has them because that’s how they poop?

 

Clearly, I’ve never been much for remembering exact words and phrases and, lately, I haven’t been much for writing them on here into ramblings about gravy troughs, freelance animal control adventures, or dinner party hijinx.  For my hiatus I do want to apologize; I gave no explanation for my unplanned, WordPress sabbatical and I hope that, despite my absence, you’ll continue to read my stuff going forward.

 

I thought I could make time for both, but over the last six weeks I was sucked down the rabbit hole of working on a novella.

 

Yes, at this point, I’ve finished the first draft of the short novel and have sent it out to a few friends to get notes so I can continue to make edits.  Anyways, I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted as it progresses and I’ll likely end up posting snippets or some random chapters of it on here to see what people on WordPress think. Overall, it’s not an especially long story, just under forty-thousand words; it would probably take the average person about two or three hours to read it, although for the average illiterate, feral wolf child it would probably take slightly longer.

 

Bottom line, I’ll be trying to get back in the swing of posting every week or two on here in the not-too-distant future and thank you guys for continuing to come around.

 

Wuv,

Justin

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The Ying Yang Twins Taught Me Everything I Needed to Know About Talking to Women

Apathy and awkwardness—the two tenants most families are built on and what proved to be the very reasons my dad and I never had The Talk. Neither one of us wanted to, neither one was going to remind the other one, and I think we both figured public school and UPN would teach me everything I ever needed to know about women and sexuality. Now, those twin guns covered a lot, but it was really the music of the Ying Yang Twins that gave me a handle on interacting with ladies that I have been forever grateful for.

Now enter, love, and heed the wisdom bestowed from the contemporary, self-help gospel of D-Roc and Kaine.

 

“I’m in the club, lookin’ for a badd bitch
In the parking lot, lookin’ for a badd bitch
Everywhere I go I’m trying to find that badd bitch
You know me, I gotta keep me a badd bitch”

-From, if you couldn’t tell, “Badd”

These four lines are straight packed with so many dank, tasty knowledge nuggets that it’s tough to keep up and not cough. The first lesson I took was to explicitly know what game I’m hunting before I strapped up my pussy poachin’ boots. It shouldn’t matter what your friends think. If you find yourself craving a girl with a lazy eye and a resolute appetite for bus-station intercourse, then you go out there and you try to catch one, or both, of her eyes from across the room. On the surface, the Ying Yang Twins merely preach their proclivity for badd bitches, but, in reality, they preach persistence in chasing your ideal woman or women. They want you to find your white whale, even if your friends and now-broken box spring disapprove of the more-literal white whales you’ve been brining home and loving on.

And, finally, this passage further instills the lesson that no one should be above finding ladies in parking lots. Love, be it romantic or just two consenting strangers spontaneously celebrating each other’s genitals in a unisex bathroom at J.C. Penney’s, can be found anywhere.

 

“Steady looking at me still asking questions
Times up, nigga, pass me another contestant
Hoe, move to the left if you ain’t bout fifty
Done talk through three or four songs already”

-From the High School Homecoming Dance Dry-Hump Classic “Get Low”

As a younger man, I’d get hung up on particular people and it’d be tough for me to move on to the next contestant. However, the Ying Yang Twins illuminated the notion that life’s too short to tolerate this. You know, those nights where you pretend to like the same things yet she’s still dismissive and, before you know it, the night’s over after a sterile hug goodbye and a blatantly disrespectful lie about how her phone exploded or was stolen by Albanians teens. These hip-hop love doctors know you’re never going to be able to force someone into caring about you, plus, it’s pretty creepy to try. Realistically, the only two options you have when you identify someone isn’t interested are to either drop it and move to the next contestant or let it escalate to the point where you’re two restraining orders deep, digging through her trash, and mathematically deducing when she’s out of butter, eggs, and tampons.

 

“You, fine, but I ain’t gone sweat ya
See, I wanna fuck, tell me what’s up
Walk around the club with yo thumb in ya mouth
Put my dick in, take your thumb out
There might be a lil kosher to deal with”
-From “Wait (The Whisper Song)”

Whether it’s a relationship, no-strings-attached sex, or just masturbating, they all boil down to an economy of words. Specifically, how can I get from here to there the quickest? Much like my resolve to swear off Arby’s and Lawrence the Cable Television Gentleman, I’ve sworn off the post-introduction, preamble-preramble torrent of verbal dumpage when meeting women. You know, that trying-to-make-the-smallest-of-small-talk phase when you’re really just trying to avoid inadvertently saying something that could potentially be construed as racist or blatantly asking, “Hey, attractive stranger, how’s about I wriggle my junk around in you for a few minutes even though I’m guessing you’ll probably, and almost immediately, regret it?”

Kaine encourages a straightforward approach to this situation. You see, he compliments the lady, directly state his intentions, and let her determine what course of action, if any, she’d like to take with his circumcised penis. If she retorts with, “What a tantalizing offer, good chap. Sorry, but, Anne Frankly, I’m happily Jewish married to a delightful circumcised penis who’s currently facilitating his book club,” then Kaine simply moves on. He’s fine with leaving with both parties left to revel in the satisfaction of not squandering anymore of their lives with said unproductive exchange.

 

“You got a sexy-ass body and your ass look soft
Mind if I touch it, and see if it’s soft?
Naw, I’m jus playing unless you say I can
And I’m know to be a real nasty man

And they say a closed mouth don’t get fed
So I don’t mind asking for head.”
-From “Wait (The Whisper Song)”

With such flattery gushing from their mouths coupled with a diligent desire to always acquire consent, these southern gentlemen show they truly are gentlemen. Simply put, these are the core concepts any fancy-boy finishing school curriculum is derived from. These two ebony dreamboats have advocated a life filled with devoting praise and respect towards women while always honoring their boundaries, and I find that refreshing. It’s just the kind of wholesome lyric you’d never hear that feminist-foe and deviant Robin “Rape City” Thicke spout out of his filthy lips.

Even at their most playful, the duo remains a paradigm of courteous young men navigating the fraternization scene. Certainly, the twins’ good name may be sullied by some fun burglars who interpret “Ay, bitch! Wait ‘til you see my dick” as something other than the boastful japer and promise not to expose oneself within the confines of a fine establishment that it rightfully is. I do know these individuals exist and I do truly feel sorry for them. This line is merely a lesson demonstrating how one can work suspense and silliness into one’s already well-mannered repertoire, like the way a close friend might say, “Just wait until you see what I got you for your birthday.”

Granted, they can’t teach us all everything, but everyone can learn something about respectfully socializing with women from the Ying Yang Twins.

 

 

*Again, this originally was written by me and published on ThoughtCatalog.  You can read their posting of it here, or you could just scroll up if you want to read it again.

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