Fellow graduates in the class of 2012, I stand before you today to look back while we look forward toward tomorrow. From science fairs, to homecoming pregnancy scandals and resulting cover-ups, to the annual tontine, boy, we’ve seen it all and I don’t think I could have asked for a better chucklehort of chuckleheads to be there with me each step of the way.
I know it’s cliché, and I’m as cliché an adult baby as they come, but I can’t believe it’s Graduation Day. Here we are, the Class of 2012, in our gowns and mortarboards ready to walk across that stage in all of our pompous circumstance. We’ve become so close and I feel like I know some of you as well as I know my own siblings. It’s hard to believe that six weeks ago when this court-appointed alcohol class started that I said I didn’t deserve to be lumped in with you degenerate problem drinkers.
Whew, I am on pins and needles! No, it’s not just because I’m giving a speech. No, it’s not because I ran out of underwear this morning and am wearing a diaper made out of newspaper now. And, no, it’s not even because I had my first beer yesterday since my arrest and then couldn’t stop drinking, no, right now I’m worried about tripping when I walk across the stage, right, guys, right?
Today’s also bittersweet. We’re at the end of a golden age and as soon as Marcy P., the substance abuse coordinator here, tells us to move our tassels from right to left we’ll no longer be classmates, we’ll no longer be brothers in booze, we’ll just be adults in silly outfits complying with the terms of our respective probations.
Now, as you should know, you’re all invited to my open house tomorrow. Yeah, I know, Erickson; you scheduled yours on the same day. I’m sorry, but here goes: Erickson, you’re a poseur and I know I’m more popular than you. I’m not as popular as Chad or the Moose, but come on; I know I’m more popular than the weiner who tries too hard to make friends. In fact, Erickson, I think we’re all beginning to suspect you didn’t actually get a drunk-and-disorderly for vomiting in a magician’s hat at Sea World like you said, but rather that you just signed up for this class in a failed attempt to meet people and network.
Really, guys, I know I’m taking up the middle of my commencement speech talking about how you should come to my party and not Erickson’s. Seriously though, come to mine; we’re going to have the barbecue going, we might rent a cotton candy machine. It’s going to be awesome, everyone’s going to get their genitals touched and we’re seriously going to get so drunk, har har, just kidding—or maybe I’m not, wink! Anywho, you all should come out, it’ll be fun. Plus, I still need a couple of you to sign my yearbook. Sensitive Sally Simpson, I’m looking at you!
Now that we’ve all got our suspended licenses back, we’ve all really started to live again. It didn’t matter if it was a school night, we were always going to the movies, the twenty-four hour shoe repair shop, Make-Out Creek, you name it and we can be there; living it up as only the Class of 2012 could.
Jocks, geeks, foreigners with weird socks, we never let cliques get in the way of being friends. The camaraderie between all of us was amazing; we all would come out to cheer for our beloved football team, we all pitched in to help with the homecoming dance, and we all came together to put on Oklahoma! for a group of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Boy, that evening was a hoot to say the least!
I’m proud so say I’m part of this cohesive bunch; a cohesive bunch that includes everyone except Erickson. I know we’ll be able to stay in touch as we return to our lives as alcoholic mailmen, alcoholic snake charmers, and alcoholic students, like Buglesson, who is applying to further his education right now, mostly because the court thinks he needs more education about learning about how it’s not cool to get drunk and threaten to throw your wife down the stairs just because the Giants lost.
I’ll miss you all. You all are amazing people and I can’t want for our camping trip in a few weeks!
And I’m flattered that you all voted for me for “Best Sense of Humor” in the mock elections, solely based on that one time when I farted real loud during that movie about car accidents.
Once again, graduates, congrats; I’m proud to be a part Class of 2012!