Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

From Justin Gawel: Eccentric Dirtbag

Tag Archives: erotic

All We Want is a Bus to Make Out with Girls In

The homecoming dance was behind us and, giddy with post-make-out fever, Chuck and I were determined to recreate what we had since dubbed “bus magic”. Saturday night had been perfect. Actual girls, girls we knew, had willingly kissed us, and then, in a twist, they’d kept on kissing us!

 

Our dates hadn’t lost a bet, done it on a dare, or done it as part of D.A.R.E. Saturday night had been real—Chuck and I tasted girl mouth and we wanted more.

 

By the process of elimination, we deduced that the party bus our group rented had been our much-needed game-changer. It hadn’t been our clothes; Chuck and I had worn suits and ties around girls before, like to church, funerals, or School Picture Day, and no fine ladies ever tried to get jiggy and suck some hot face with us then. Charm, too, was out of the question—we’d spent most of dinner and the ride to the dance giggling and quoting Dude, Where’s My Car ad nauseam the way we had nearly every other mouth-whoopee-less day. And, truly, our dates’ nervous laughter subsiding into a petrified, silent horror had been a strong indication that the late-night fervent tonguing hadn’t been prompted by my enthusiastic display of unrestrained agility on the dance floor that I called “getting funky”.

 

The solution was a simple truth: we needed our own party bus. Life in the last week had imparted that, at least for us, the party bus was an essential ingredient if Chuck and I ever again wanted to cook up a big ol’ pot of make-out-y fun.

 

Backers and financiers were needed. Fortunately, the allure of a PDA-party paradise made our venture an easy sell. Before even third period, Chuck and I had procured verbal commitments from twelve other sophomore dudes each aching to invest $100 for future access to a den full of uninhibited oral delights.

 

With potential pledges procured, we took to the Internet during lunch and were pleasantly surprised at how much bus $1,400 could buy. Craigslist and eBay had been scoured and our budgetary constraints had us considering options with descriptors like “great project”, “hasn’t been started in five years”, and “full of owls”.

 

No details were deal-breakers. I mean, just because one hadn’t been started in five years didn’t necessarily mean that it didn’t run. Like, just because I hadn’t made out with anyone for almost sixteen years didn’t mean that I wasn’t a natural at it and a true, bona fide mouth-hound capable of delivering the perfect ratio of tactical tenderness and unchecked pleasure at a moment’s notice.

 

Retrieving our to-be fortress for tongue-heavy hedonism would be a snap. One investor, Patrick, we knew had a freshly-acquired license and we totally figured he’d be legit to scoop it with us.

 

Sure, Patrick was still dangerously awful at driving his mom’s minivan, but that didn’t matter. He’d be perfect to caravan the three hundred miles back and forth from Southern Ohio this Saturday to pick up and drive back an unreliable vehicle six times the size of said minivan. Chuck was skeptical, but I assured him it’d be totally legit.

 

There would be no issues once we returned with our prize. Another committed shareholder, Jimmy, wanted it for his backyard. He said he knew his parents wouldn’t care; his dad had eloped to Argentina with that slutty mailman two months back, effectively prompting a nervous, sambuca-riddled breakdown from Jimmy’s mom.

 

Shoes on in the house, candy for breakfast, cigarettes for dessert, dessert after breakfast, Jimmy could get away with anything now. Really, since his dad left, Jimmy’s mom had become, like, hella sweet and it was totally coolio of her to remain apathetically indifferent to us parking our permanent party of perpetual first-basing at her place.

 

I can’t wait for this. 2010 Census, take note; I know you’re nearly eight years away, but by then we’ll have ridden all this bus magic right up to our new, permanent residence in Make-Out City, USA.

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A Lesson From Middle-School Sex Ed

It was seventh grade—a time for boys when masturbation is no longer a secret hobby but more a secret lifestyle. Sexuality was no mystery, still, we looked forward to sex education; mainly, because it meant we didn’t have science class for two weeks and it gave us terms like heavy flow and scrotal wrinklage to giggle at. We were still thirteen and boys after all.

 

Every class began with lecture and ended with an anonymous question-and-answer session. Everyone was expected to write something on a scrap of paper that would be mixed up in a box for the instructor to randomly draw from and answer. This way kids could ask anything without suffering any embarrassment over what they did or didn’t know. Always reading them all aloud, our instructor would promptly respond to the serious inquiries and swiftly disregard the less-than-serious inquiries of “vaginas are just menstruating buttholes, right?” or “I think I have an erection right now but I’m not sure. Help?”

 

Only a few minutes remained in class one day when he stopped on a question before reading it. His eyes squinted, his lips meticulously recanting the writing back to himself in silence. It had caught him off guard. He showed some poise, but he seemed completely lost in this apparently-abstract query, like as if he was mentally calculating his tax return or trying to solve a pun-heavy riddle for a scavenger hunt.

 

For once the room was quiet. Had we finally stumped him; did he really have no advice on hiding erections? Would we get that long-awaited answer on his virginity status and porn habits? Was this the question so disgustingly vile the anonymity of the box would be sacrificed so the question’s author could be identified and sent to the school’s social worker? He looked up from the slip of paper and no one flinched.  Everyone knew this was different; every question every other day had been met with a quick answer or a ready “Oh, come on, let’s show some maturity, guys.”

 

No one knew where this was going, but we hung on every errant sigh escaping his mouth. I felt he had answer, but wasn’t convinced we could handle it.  It’s like he knew it had the potential to change our lives forever and he wasn’t sure he wanted that responsibility.

 

Closure was in sight when at long last he cleared his throat. “This question asks,” he said, suppressing a grin, “if you’re having sex with a girl.” Our eagerness intensified with his pause. “If you’re having sex with a girl and you pee inside of her, what happens?”

 

The laugh was caught in our collective throats as we anxiously waited for the other shoe to drop. With a tilt of his head and a brief, ah-fuck-it shrug he matter-of-factly said, “Eh, if you pee in a girl while you’re having sex with her,” he smiled, “well, you probably won’t be having sex with her again, so I guess, really, it kind of all works itself out.”

 

Stunned and unsure if to laugh or inquire further, we could only sit and stare.

 

“Okay,” he said, reaching back into the box, “next question.”

 

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