Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

A non-comprehensive collection

Today My Name is Triumph

Denial, anger, bargaining, and, finally, depression—yes, I’ve been through it all this morning.  The tears have started coming and I don’t think they’re going to stop.  Not now, not today, why did it have to be today of all days?  It’s awful, I’m a wreck, and I can’t stop shaking.  No, this isn’t the day Fox cancelled the Glutton Bowl, it’s not the day McDonald’s discontinued the McPizza, and it isn’t even the day my cousin debunked pro wrestling for me.

No, today is the day of the 5K I had agreed to do eight months ago.

“It’s so far in the future, I’ll just agree to get them off my back, and, by the time it rolls around, I’ll have gotten new friends, or they’ll have forgotten about it, or, maybe, I’ll have succumbed to the sweet, warm blanket of death by then.”

Yeah, there’s no chance I thought I’d actually have to participate.

Trudging up to the crowds of happy, fit people was rough enough.  So I don’t own one of those fancy one-piece workout suits that aerodynamically shapes the contours of my penis.  No, I have a pair of pajama pant cutoffs and an old shirt that says, “I hate Mondays, but not as much as I hate Garfield.”

I’m getting a lot of stares; clearly, I look out of place, or everyone here has a penchant for workweek beginnings and comics drawn by Jim Davis.

I don’t want to run, but, fortunately, and much to the chagrin of my friends, Clipboard Guy says I can sign be one of the walkers competing.  I keep hearing that the only people who walk are the perpetually preggers, the robustly obese children, and the geriatric polio survivors.  Perfect, I have successfully identified my athletic equivalents.

The herd of people migrates to the starting line and  I’m realizing how much I don’t want to get sweaty.   I know if I start trying too hard my thighs are going to start rubbing together in some seriously extreme chub rub.  Eh, that’s pretty redundant; I’ve never had chub rub that wasn’t seriously extreme.

The gun goes off and I’m terrified.  Why couldn’t they just say go or use a whistle to start the race instead of that sawed-off shotgun?  People whoosh by me—their already-sweaty arms flailing and their bodily fluids just rubbing off all over my pasty skin and face.

Two hundred boring steps later and my brow is sweatier than John Goodman’s at a mayonnaise-eating contest—I must have gone at least 2K by now.

The realization is settling in. I don’t really want to tempt this life-or-mess situation, so I’ll just walk nice and easy.  It’s like an old car—you don’t want to give it too much gas and risk something coming loose.

Many boring, television-less minutes later and I see spectators handing out cups from the sideline.  I mosey myself over there, hoping that at least one of those cups has Dr. Pepper in it, however, if they not down with DP I guess I’ll just ask the bartender, or whomever’s giving them out, for a triple whiskey.

The first cup I grab just has water in it and I immediately throw it away. Okay, I don’t want to waste anymore cups incase some tasteless freak actually prefers water, so now I’m going to start poking around through all these cups to find Dr. Pepper.  No, nada, nope, all water so far.  What do I have to do; I’d even settle for a Pibb Extra at this point, but no, it’s all goddamn water!

Clearly irritated, the runners keep brushing up against me with their sweaty slick bodies and it’s disgusting.  This is just like Family Day at the water park: constant violations of personal space, utterly unbearable, and notably free of Dr. Pepper and whiskey.

I think I’m close to the end, but my doody chute feels wetter and deeper than the Mariana Trench.  It’s simply become an abyss of cavernous, dark, unexplored depths from which I’m trying to hold back a faceless monstrosity.  In agony, I let out this abhorrent screech—seriously, the sound is insufferable; it’s like a cacophony of screeching cats, or screeching cars, or a young Dustin Diamond.

My dogs are really barking at this point, and by that I mean I don’t think these Hush Puppies were the ideal walking shoe.

The finish line is near and a crowd has gathered.  Surely, they are likely through most of the official awards and paper-plate awards by now, as I think I am the only one still on the course.  I cross the finish line and am immediately dissatisfied with the shameful lack of applause and pomp.  Clipboard Guy grabs me and my head begins to spin.  Did they know I was using performance enhancers?  How could they even know about those Jell-O energy suppositories I bought before the race?  I’m going to have plead ignorance or insanity on this one.

Instead, Clipboard Guy throws me on the top of the podium, likely for some public shaming.  I look to my left and right and there aren’t any contestant standing on second place or third place pedestals.  The announcer’s voice booms into a megaphone as he announces that I, Justin Gawel, have won first place for walking men aged twenty to thirty by default, as I was the only one who signed up.

The crowd sighs; clearly disgusted that part of their life was wasted looking at me received a medal.

– Join below with just an email address today for free, exclusive ramblings, guaranteed never to flood your inbox.  Follow Justin on Twitter for cringe-worthy puns and topical jokes about balms and creams.

79 responses to “Today My Name is Triumph

  1. sassyfrassylassy March 1, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Reblogged this on This is not a real blog and commented:
    I can’t count how many times I LOL’ed. This guy is a good read. I can’t pay a higher compliment than that. Check him out.

  2. innercitybarista March 1, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Haha! You have left me in tears. Not the same kind of tears you have, these are good tears. Thanks for the laughs 😛

  3. Katie March 1, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    I signed up for an 8k, and it warns you not to sign up of you can’t finish it in an hour an fifteen minutes or keep to 15 minute miles. …Or what? I don’t know. If I fall below they may kill me. And it’s the Shamrock Shuffle. I’m hoping for luck.

  4. yourothermotherhere March 1, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Very funny!

    It reminded me of a joke I read not too long ago about liking to go to marathons just to see the look on the faces of the runners when they drink from the cup of vodka you just handed them…

  5. filledandfooled March 1, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    You made my day. Thank you!

  6. crankycaregiver March 1, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    I’m still laughing. This is hilarious..a fun read from start to finish line! Great job!

  7. Maggie O'C March 1, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    Is there a photo? Am I missing your Chariots of Fire moment? Thank you for the giggles while I’m eating lunch. And Bravo!

    • justingawel March 1, 2013 at 6:00 pm

      There’s no photos of the race; they were deemed “too sad” by even the most artistic of photographers. However, I do have the medal around here somewhere.

  8. 1tric March 1, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    Not many get me laughing out loud. A smile yes, a chuckle yes, but a laugh no. mind you I re read it to my teen daughter and she thinks your just sad!

  9. Did That Just Happen? March 1, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    All my friends and I are looking for a mud run to do – figure if I have to get all sweaty and nasty, might as well add some mud to the fun. Gotta say, best line ever: I’ve never had chub rub that wasn’t seriously extreme. That was brilliant man!

  10. Amba March 1, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    That was hilarious. I shifted between outright LOLs and quieter guffaws throughout. It was almost like when I would go to the gym and dare to walk on the treadmill instead of running like my life depended on it-I would be shamed by my fitter companions into running like a hippo! Loved your post!

  11. Kevin March 1, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    You, my friend, are my new hero….I’m signing up for a 5K, 8K, or 10K this weekend. Just after I find my Hush Puppies (aren’t those the donut things you eat in Texas??). Thanks for the laugh!

    • justingawel March 1, 2013 at 6:09 pm

      Haha, they definitely are the donuts in the south, but I was thinking of the weird shoes they would give away on those older Nickelodeon game shows. Also, I’m thrilled that you’ve enjoyed my stuff!

  12. cindyricksgers March 1, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Well done! This was hilarious! Thanks for a good laugh!

  13. paulheels March 1, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    As usual, I laugh out louded. Hope you ain’t get no butt rust in your draws.

  14. Mrs Fever March 2, 2013 at 12:57 am

    “…if they not down with DP I guess I’ll just ask the bartender…”

    Oh. My. Gawd. Baaa-ha-ha-ha-ha! It’s never occurred to me to ask my bartender to provide me with DP. But then, my definition might be slightly different than yours… 😉

  15. lyricaljungle March 2, 2013 at 4:20 am

    I’ve said this before, but I wholeheartedly believe you should have your own show. Or, at least write for one. Thank you for the late night laughs!

    • justingawel March 4, 2013 at 3:55 pm

      Gracias, gracias! I would love to write for a show; seriously thank you again for the WordPress love and, hopefully, someday I can provide late night laughs through a different medium.

  16. cookie1986 March 2, 2013 at 8:03 am

    Thank you for this. I could see myself in your every step. Hilarious!

  17. Miss Misfit March 3, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Just be happy that you can get a contour of your penis in those, “workout suits that aerodynamically shapes the contours of my penis.” or that you get “chub rub” hahahah soooo funny!!! I have checked out really hot, fit guys at these events that could’t get a contour if they were hard! hahahah Thanks for the great laugh!!!

    • justingawel March 4, 2013 at 4:00 pm

      Hahaha, truly a sport within a sport! Although it seems mildly more dangerous and would throw your balance off, you might just have to start asking guys if they’re just oddly aroused by running or just happy to see you.

  18. Shawn (Pseudonym: Marguerite Muffinbauer) March 4, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Loved it. Mostly because I can relate. I did a one mile “fun run” once and I was the only one who took it casually. I got beat by a purse dog and a crippled guy. Not. Even. Joking. But hey, we both made it to the end! At least you got a medal. All I got was chewed out for not staying on the (unmarked) course.

  19. kittycollingwood March 4, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Oh my goodness! That was hilarious! 🙂

  20. That's how I see it! March 5, 2013 at 12:01 am

    Reblogged this on From My Life to Your Eyes and commented:
    I laughed so hard I thought I may just fall out of my recliner!

  21. Cheri Thacker March 7, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Oh My Gawd you crack me up! And I hate it when you throw what I think is the best line ever (succumbed to the sweet, warm blanket of death) in the early part of your post and proceed to prove my initial reaction wrong with even BETTER lines ever! 🙂

  22. biancarowena2013 March 12, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    I read and I laughed (this is the first time I’ve actually laughed to a blog I’ve read and I’ve read many). Three of my favourite phrases:
    1. I’ll just agree to get them off my back -(the story of my life)
    2. Many boring, television-less minutes later -(haha)
    3. Clipboard Guy throws me on the top of the podium, likely for some public shaming -(^_^ public shaming, I would love to borrow those two words for my writing in the future)

  23. whylori March 12, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    HI, Justin. Thanks for checking out my blog.

    You are hilarious! That was too many shades of funny. Congrats on the medal!

  24. jasemerald March 13, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Thanks for stopping my blog. I peed a little reading yours. Trust me I needed that 🙂

  25. dleonard4 March 13, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    Maybe I should have done that CNTower stair climb a few years back instead of telling people I was sick. On the other hand, at least they didn’t have to take me down by stretcher from level 43. I certainly wouldn’t have won a medal for anything. Congrats on the walk and the blog post.

  26. smellslikewinter March 13, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    I just saw that you liked one of my posts and decided to check out your blog, and I’m glad I did! This was a fun read, I enjoyed it 🙂

  27. Harold Knight March 13, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    I couldn’t imagine why you liked my blog. I’m still not sure–or maybe we’re more alike than I think. At any rate, your blog is wonderfully zany! Your writing is great! Sarcasm goes a long way in my book. Thanks for checking me out!

  28. angelmanna March 14, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Holy Funniness in motion here. Loved and related all too well to the victory! 🙂 Thank you for finding my pages, I am following you now – how can I not – lol

  29. frequentneed March 15, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    I almost got tired of scrolling this far down to leave a comment, but I pressed on because it was that important to me. I wanted to tell you I giggled or maybe chuckled out loud. 🙂 I miss your post sometimes because I dont log on for a few days. But I always seem to find them, Many thanks

    • justingawel March 15, 2013 at 10:39 pm

      Awesome, I’m delighted to meet someone who looks for my stuff on a week to week basis! Honestly, I’m flattered from you comment, thank you so much for the kind words.

  30. octavia02 March 18, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    It’s a gift to brighten a stranger’s day with laughter. Thanks for sharing it dude. My Minday is lookin’ up.

  31. heyshanflan September 11, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    This story just made my day- Thanks for the great laughs!

  32. Pingback: First hump day post | HeyShanFlan!

  33. poetica82 January 13, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    I can’t really say anything that hasn’t already been said by everyone else. I’ll just include my own personal thank you! Your hilarious descriptions are so specific and…I said I wouldn’t be redundant. Keep it up!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: