Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

A non-comprehensive collection

Dovescape

2014 had been brutal. A career change and divorce had extinguished all positivity and motivation. Alone again, I’d spent midnight on New Year’s Eve making out with a block of fudge.

 

Fed up with life and backed up beyond belief, the next morning I resolved to reform. Twelve months later my systems and psyche were in perfect rhythm. Books were now read, not just amassed and later returned to the library. Invitations to singles’ events were heeded. Refined sugars were eliminated completely.

 

I now dominated Book Club. Sobriety and genuine comprehension had paved my way. Abstaining from wine and prodding others for specifics had made me a target. Their pursed lips and restless energy relayed it all—I was the paragon begging to be knocked down a peg.

 

No one could compete. Each week those other gals would begrudgingly devour my insights nearly as fast as my homemade basil-tofu lettuce wraps or eggplant caviar. I’d relish as their plates of raisin-dotted fruit salsa or deviled-egg tabouli would go untouched. And, of course, I was sure to hound any opinion that utilized a vague generality like “fully realized,” “rollicking,” or “what it means to be human.”

 

Passive aggression was taken in stride. Remarks over my marital status or know-it-all-ism were brushed off. Book Club didn’t have points, but I was winning.

 

Hosting, now, always evoked a wave of anxiety, and tonight had been no exception. Every seventh Thursday, those six women would be over to silently critique my home’s décor and cleanliness. This week, though, I’d been flawless. The house had been immaculate and my plate of homespun Vietnamese summer rolls with cashew sauce had been plundered clean in ten minutes. Discussion was short; the ladies seemed defeated. It was good to be the king.

 

Straightening up after, I uncovered an unopened bag of Dove chocolates. Living sans refined sugar, these had to have been left behind. Chocolate had formerly been my kryptonite. A single M&M could spark a sequence of gorging, self-loathing, and sobbing—the whole meltdown typically transpiring before I’d even left the dinner party.

 

I’d left the bag on the coffee table as I finished clearing dishes. Temptation was nonexistent—I knew the destruction a single bag could wield. The forgotten treats could be returned next Thursday.

 

I’d finished cleaning, but right there in front of me the chocolates sat, loitering. Be it from a spot of weakness or strength, I suddenly felt compelled to test my fortitude.

 

I’d resolved to only eat one. Stopping after one would confirm a mastery over myself.

 

I could do this.

 

I could demonstrate restraint. Any reservations were gone. Self-improvement needed tests, measuring sticks, objective evidence of success.

 

I drew the shades and quietly opened the bag. I plucked one at random, gripping each loose end of foil between my fingers and slowly unwrapping the morsel, careful to keep the packaging unbroken. I bit in. My teeth ground through the chocolate, the whole thing grittier and more tasteless than remembered. Choking it back, I surveyed the cocoa shrapnel and printed sentiment on the inside of the splayed foil.

 

– Compromise is a sign of strength, not weakness.

 

It was certainly accurate, even highly applicable. Without compromise I’d fixated and completely stressed over a situation involving a measly three dollars of left-behind chocolate. Abstaining entirely had left my life imbalanced.

 

Obsessing wasn’t healthy. Contently concluded, I wasted no time snapping up a handful and tearing into them, always keeping my chewing at an absolute minimum.

 

Stunned, I looked at the bag, half-empty after being hermetically sealed only three minutes ago. I couldn’t return it like this and publicize my mini gorge. Obtaining a fresh one was the only option. Shame set in as I grasped the grocery-store-visit necessity. I vowed to throw the remaining chocolates away, ending this episode here and now, but staring back at me from the table was a vacant Dove wrapper.

 

– Do not look back and ask why; look forward and ask, why not?

 

Exactly, Dove. I jammed the bag’s remnants into my coat pocket and headed out. My right hand blindly fumbled, trying to unwrap my next bite. Vibrant, the candy aisle triggered a nostalgic flood. Reese’s, Clark, Mr. Goodbar—the old gang was all here.

 

Honestly, why not? I thought. Why couldn’t I just initiate a once-a-year, personal food fiesta?

 

I checked my pocket. Their course mildness had yielded to smooth ecstasy, but I was fresh out. All I salvaged was empty foil.

 

– Think without limits.

 

I exchanged my empty shopping basket for a cart. All instinct and no thought—Dove had all the answers I wanted. A full day of cake, fries, and assorted sweets and I’d vanquish my cravings for another year.

 

Thirty minutes after I’d returned home I called in to work for the next day. Everything tasted too good.

 

Friday I awoke during The Price is Right, still in my overcoat and sprawled atop a bed of wrappers. Burger King and Pizza Hut both beckoned and limits were not on today’s menu.

 

At some point the sun was no longer up. My eyes opened. I’d never felt so comfortable. This was what I had sought and, with the lone day now over, I could return to a regiment of fitness, reading, and appetizer sculpting. I sat up and reached into my pocket for one last Dove—a sendoff to savor my hedonism. This one—this one tasted better than any I’d had before, bombarding my taste buds and leaving me lightheaded.

 

– You are exactly where you are supposed to be.

 

My eyes shut and I sank back into my garbage-laden couch. Only snippets—still frames, really—exist in my mind from the next stretch. The next near-lucid thought I remember was on Sunday, I suppose. I surveyed the wreckage from three days of high living and was even feeling a little tipsy. Empty bags, mostly of Dove chocolates, littered the room; a few were even complete with sticky notes stating “Do Not Eat: Replacement Candy” or “Seriously This Time, Do Not Eat.”

 

Four workdays remain before Book Club and I’m in need of an envy-inducing appetizer, a facial scrub, a few hours of cardio, and some incisive opinions. I need a complete life re-raveling. Two days at least. I still have some personal days. Though I could always bail on everything.

 

Some sort of plan has to surface. Where’s that slab of fudge? Fudge is usually great for brainstorming.

 

 

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6 responses to “Dovescape

  1. Fat Bottom Girl January 18, 2016 at 12:23 pm

    Dove chocolates are the serpent in the garden.

  2. philnfree January 20, 2016 at 9:40 pm

    You had me at ‘making out with a block of fudge’ Great post! Although, this is why I stick to peanut MnM’s. No messages attached.

  3. The Guat January 21, 2016 at 7:20 pm

    Super funny post because I know the power of chocolate…I know. Claim Jumper’s Chocolate Silk Pie totally kicks my ass, but at least you had inspiring messages. Hope 2016 is treating you good so far.

    • justingawel January 24, 2016 at 6:47 pm

      Thank you so much! I’ve definitely devoured a Silk Pie or two in my life, usually keeping chewing to a minimum and the shoveling to a maximum. Hope 2016 is treating you well so far too!

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