A non-comprehensive collection
Less Thrilling Subplots to “The Purge”
January 25, 2016Posted by on
“Alright, 102-Crew out there in Listener Land, we’re coming up on another non-stop rock block at the top of the hour. We’ve got Floyd and the Boss hittin’ ya hard to wrap up the workweek. Plus, we’re giving away tickets to the Air Supply RE-U-NION TOUR—live this July 4th at the Coliseum! We’re looking for that twelfth caller. That’s right, call in and let us know what kinds of ca-RAZY-ness you’re getting into tonight for the annual Puuuuurrr-ge!
*Witch cackle sound effect*
“Caller, you’re on the air with DJ Hammond Eggs.”
“Hu-hullo? Yeah, no, anyone going out tonight is nuts. I’m’a just bunker down with some tacos, do my nails, maybe take a bath—”
“Mmmhmmm, a bath—”
*Spanking noise immediately followed by the “Are You Trying to Seduce Me?” clip from The Graduate*
“I’d ask if you’d want some, uh, bad company, but I’ll be boarded up at the station all night with the Off-FISH-shal 102-Crew Machete, brought to you by Budweiser: Grab Some Buds. Sorry, no dice, First Caller. Next Caller, you’re on the air.”
“102.1, this is my year. Cold feet got me the last two, but tonight I’m finally taking down my district manager, that arrogant mouth-breather. Sayonara, you gelled-up freak. Won’t be at the funeral.”
*Clip of Lumberg from Office Space plays for the fifth time in the last four hours*
“Huh-ho! Who cares about performance re-viewwws? That’s some, ah, ca-REEE-PIN’ it real, but, uh—my station manager wants me to remind you out there that 102.1-FM-and-its-affiliates-do-not-condone-the-totally-boss-crime-of-pre-meditated-boss-murder.”
“Sorry for being a Debbie a-DOWN-ner back then, Party People. And sorry to you. You are not our twelfth caller. Next Caller, you’re on the air.”
“Hi, Hammond, long-time-first-time. I tell you, tonight is about getting sa-tis-FIED; I am just itchin’ right now. Not even gonna care what the neighbors say tomorrow. Heh heh. No apologies, right? It’s The Purge, bay-beee!”
“Hey, Caller, much-like-boss-murder, 102.1 FM-and-its-affiliates-cannot-and-will-not-advocate-the-committal-of-sexual-assault. This friendly reminder brought to you by Bayer Aspirin—Bayer: The Pain Reliever Who’s MOST Opposed to Sex Crimes.”
“—Hammond, Hammond, god-no, it’s nothing like that! No, tonight I’m just slapping a back deck on the house, even though the city never approved any plans! How could they; I only drew them up today at lunch! Thing will be, no doubt, ca-rawlin’ with code violations, but, hey, sometimes you just gotta live wild and free.”
“So, let-me-get-this-straight, if it all goes to plan, no one’ll get hurt?
“My neighbor. Reggie. That jerk’ll be hurt. My new backyard party paradise will block, like, ALL the natural light from his sunken family room. Dude’ll prolly come give me another lecture about protecting property values.”
“Got that right, pal. My cul-de-sac is wetland adjacent and that reserve’ll have more than enough wood and endangered species habitat to build a sick lattice around it all. Should give it a nice rustic feel. Perfect for brews, burgers, and beer pong the rest of summer, amiright?
“Okay, sir, as a fellow human being my conscience is making me interject. I don’t know if you’re familiar with The Purge or if you’re new to this, but it is going to be a bloodbath out there tonight. I’m urging you to reconsider. If you go through with this, more than likely you’ll be killed and be giving your life for a project most people only spend a few hundred dollars on.”
“Look, I got a can-do attitude, twenty illegal refugee carpenter-bodyguards with power tools, and no curfew for loud noise. And, by the way, Hammond, I called in for Air Supply tickets not a bunch of nagging. I can’t wait to finish that deck tonight, celebrate, and cap it all off by throwing all my dead batteries and old motor oil away in the NORMAL trash can for once.”
“Ahhh—okay, pal. Sorry, though, you aren’t our twelfth caller.
*Toilet flush sound effect*
“Next Caller, you’re on the air.”
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