A non-comprehensive collection
Terry’s Terrific Funerals!
March 28, 2018Posted by on
“Do you have a loved one circling the drain?”
Chroma-key shot of Terry—cowboy hat, yellow button-down, and bolo tie—swirling around as he shrinks into a generic shot of draining water.
“But don’t have enough green to send them off into the great beyond?”
More chroma-key, Terry with out-turned pockets shrugging up against a still of a mourning family around an empty hospital bed.
“Come to Terry’s Terrific Funerals! We now have six locations in the area, each outfitted to meet—and exceed—your mortuary needs. And this President’s Day Weekend we’re offering up to forty-percent off!”
Caskets with Lincoln and Washington in them explode into a cloud of money as Terry struts and twirls around in an Uncle Sam outfit.
“We cater to all religions. Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Viking Adventist, Cult—with over twelve belief options to choose from and eight different sandwich platter options, we’re sure you’ll find one of our 96 denomination-vegetation combinations to send them off right.”
Terry opens a casket filled to the brim with the different sandwiches.
“Still not sure what No Longer Living would have wanted? Let divine intervention intervene. We offer on-site Ouiji Board consultants and the increasingly-popular Wheel Of Misfortune!”
Terry’s spins a giant wheel adorned with shiny pieces, cartoon drawings, and Christmas lights clicking and clacking. As it slows down we can start to read the spaces, “Free Appetizer,” “21 Gun Salute for the Price of an 11,” “5 Free Ergonomic Shiva Cushions.” The wheel stops on “1/2 Price Pyre of Any Size” as flashing lights and a siren start in.
Terry turns to the camera, “You may have lost someone dear but you could still win big!”
Terry strolls through his facility among a grieving family. His face is held on a contrived look of concern as he shakes hands with each stranger. At the last person in line, Terry turns and tenderly says to them, “He or she was a wonderful person.”
“We’re also proud to be the only funeral home chain in town to offer combo pricing.”
“There’s the ‘Dearly Beloved:’ three hours of visitation for the price of two, twenty age-appropriate seat fillers, plus the burrito bar all for a fraction of the cost.”
Shot of Terry among an overtly diverse collection of strangers, all of them are misty-eyed with a paper plate in their lap and a giant, messy burrito in their hands.
“Maybe you’d prefer ‘Wonderful Mother’: pancake brunch, string septet for the price of a quartet, afghan-lined casket, and our in-house needlepointest making souvenir caricatures.”
Terry sits in said afghan-lined casket with half a pancake hanging out of his mouth.
“What if you just got wrangled into throwing together this event for that estranged half-sibling, childless neighbor, or undocumented migrant worker you didn’t really know? No problem there, pal. Try the ever-popular ‘Sampler’, six spins on the Wheel of Misfortune for one low, low price. Maybe some Shiva beanbags, some flowers and casseroles, communion for the out-of-towners, a few bagpipes, a cannon, filming a commercial during? Who knows! Never the same funeral twice or your money back!”
Terry steps thorough a crowd watching a magician appear to control a levitating corpse. Chinese sky lanterns fly in the background and a human statue comes to life, juggling.
“Plus we’ve always got the classics combos: ‘Long Siesta,’ ‘Maritime Mishap,’ and of course the ‘Double-Down-In-The-Ground’.”
Wide shot of Terry’s Terrific Funerals sandwiched in a nondescript strip mall. Terry presents the vista as he uses his ample frame to partially obscure the boarded-up Wigs Unlimited neighboring his storefront and inexplicably in frame.
“So come down to Terry’s and visit our newest location, now open off the Exit 110 ramp. By Mattress King!”
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