Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

Mostly rambles, few brambles

U.S. Male

Yes. No green card. Citizen passport. Want to see, no?


Story begin. Miss Kristen say marry Davit, me. I get green card, be authentic citizen someday. Find new woman and go to beach. Have cigarette with Mike “The Situation.”


In old country have crate. They say, “Davit, you want see America and Grand Canyon and Liberty Statue and marry Miss Kristen.” I say not sure. They say Miss Kristen nice lady with many cat.


“Davit,” they say, “she has paid much and you go now.” They say spend money on Xbox and cannot give back. I say no. They say, “Davit, you no want to see America?” But I do want to see. “Then why you no go? Not all American woman like Miss Kristen with many cat and face like injury.” I get in crate with water pot and tiny toilet and bean loaf. Miss Kristen, they say, buy no plane ticket for Davit


Crate okay. Very tasty loaf. I dream of expensive discotheques and me and Mike “The Situation” sexing the, how you say, “grenades.” “Davit, you go,” they say, “Miss Kristen open crate in Lansing—beach wonderland, U.S.A.—and you marry.” Miss Kristen not beach grenade Davit want. They say do not worry for will be dark.


Many day pass. Davit very cold, think not right district for beach. Then, Miss Kristen and woman open crate. Miss Kristen smile. She like picture, but more white like sick ghost.


Woman, Deb From Work, say get in car. Deb From Work speak slow, like Davit child. She not handsome woman. Her teeth yellow like wolf.


Deb From Work give Davit cigarette. Ask, but she not know Mike “The Situation.”


I not read good, but sign paper. Lansing elderman say we marry. Miss Kristen kiss and hug Davit. We go to house, eat Pizza of Tiny Caesar and watch television with many cat. Miss Kristen turn off Dancing Famous People with Galaxy program. Miss Kristen sit next to Davit like wife. We go to bedroom. It dark but both say need be darker.


Next day eat Breakfast Crunch Candy. I say, “Go to beach, Miss Kristen?” She say no and point to window. Outside grey. She say always like graveyard. No sun. No sand. No beach coconut. She say not time for beach. Time to be assistant in office. I say, “Why I bring swimming pant?” Miss Kristen say nothing and go office assist. I move cat off chair and start television. Do not find Mike “The Situation”. Find Judy, black cloak like sorceress and hair like man. Judy loud and smart.


Miss Kristen make Lean Cuisines dinner. She eat three. I eat Breakfast Crunch Candy. Miss Kristen say INS person will visit. INS person need see our happy marriage. Miss Kristen say, “Say we are happy, Davit.” I say okay.


District car wash give Davit job. Mr. Desantis say, “Come in, Davit. Dry cars. It steamy like beach, no?” I good worker. Better than Mr. Desantis’ son, even. Son only eat pills and rest at car wash. Son wear shirt like Pauly D with cross and eagle. I dry all cars and smile. People give American money to Davit.


Miss Kristen take Davit American money. Say for student loans. I do not understand. I am not student. Last time in school in home country, but Miss Kristen say this America tradition. I say okay and Miss Kristen find Mike “The Situation” for Davit on television program. Jersey Shore with Mike “The Situation” and friends at beach. “Clowns,” Miss Kristen say. I say no. This not circus program. This cool guy friends at beach program.


“See,” I say and stomp foot, “they very nice dancer, and good at night women.” She no understand. “Pauly D oldest, but Mike ‘The Situation’ taller.” I say I no understand gelato or why Nicole “Snooki” troll say Mike “The Situation” liar.


Car wash job good. I once see Lansing postcard with sun, smiles. I say, “Mr. Desantis, this not Lansing.” He laugh. He say that joke. There no sunny day or smile people here. He asks why I no laugh. I say I understand joke but sad.


I ask Miss Kristen. She laugh also. Point out window at car broken in snow street and more laugh. I say I never get in crate if know Lansing home of cold and frown. Miss Kristen show Davit map and Lansing far from sea and New Jersey. Miss Kristen say home country friend lie to Davit. Say when pay loan we go to a beach. I say okay.


INS woman come to house. Say prove you marry Miss Kristen. Miss Kristen show INS lady paper. I take off shirt and turn off light. INS woman say stop. INS woman leave Miss Kristen house.


Davit work hard many year at car wash. Mr. Desantis very nice boss, give Davit more American money after Mr. Desantis son die from pill. Mr. Desantis say Davit son now. He say we go to beach someday in Michigan. I laugh, say sea beach far away. Say “get crazy, get wild.” Mr. Desantis no watch Nicole ‘Snooki’ and Mike ‘The Situation’ and Sammi mouse on television. Mr. Desantis like only basketball. Say Michigan has summer beach, like New Jersey.


Miss Kristen quit assistant in office. Now Davit work at car wash and Miss Kristen stay home. Watch Judy. Sometime Deb From Work at house and eat Pizza of Tiny Caesar or Chicken Grandfather. Davit become authentic U.S.A. citizen. Davit want to vote for president, village chief, elder mayor. Miss Kristen no vote. Say it waste time away from television and many cat.


Davit ask Miss Kristen about loan. Miss Kristen say loan gone, but no beach now. Even Michigan beach cost money and she no have job. “You work at car wash,” she say, “pay for house and food.”


I go to work. I say, “Mr. Desantis, Miss Kristen trick me. She no work. No take me to Jersey Shore.” He frown, say, “Davit, you are best worker. I close car wash today and we go to Michigan beach.” I say okay. We drive to beach but no gorillas, no one “Fresh to Death.” Everyone only white like cloud.


Mr. Desantis say sorry I no like Michigan beach but he smart man, like Judy. He say I keep gratuity money secret, still live in Lansing with Miss Kristen. One day have secret money. Take bus to New Jersey and no tell Miss Kristen. I like idea.


I work hard. Pick up extra work day. Mr. Desantis help me get credit card. Buy bus ticket for new life. I tell Miss Kristen I go to work one day, but instead go to bus station. Get on bus for New Jersey. District of beach and laundry! Change bus and go to Jersey Shore, Seaside Heights. See beach!


I ask people if they know Mike “The Situation.” They say Davit crazy. They say show not on television. I go to Karma discotheque and battle beat, but no sign of Jersey Shore friends.


Next day I go to Shore Store. Find Danny, house king. He say Mike “The Situation” and Ronnie and Deena meatloaf gone. He say Mike “The Situation” not good at work. I tell him Mr. Desantis’ son lazy, take pill. He say Mike “The Situation” also lazy and take pill. He say he do not know, but think Mike “The Situation” in Staten Island. Mike “The Situation” family in Staten Island.


I take bus to Staten Island and find car wash. Not Mr. Desantis, but Mr. Bruno give Davit job. Mr. Bruno son nice, fancy hair and good at car. Mr. Bruno rent Davit apartment. I see Liberty Statue. Everyone wear shirt like Pauly D and have hair like tiny mountain. Very happy in Staten Island


So, sorry for much talk. I authentic citizen, but never want juror job at Mike “The Situation” tax trial, if ever happen. I like car wash job.


Mike “The Situation” not bad guy. I think nice guy and will say sorry, maybe—how you say—plead guilty. Maybe someday I go to trial. Meet Mike “The Situation” and Judy. Have cigarette.




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2 responses to “U.S. Male

  1. Arash Rezaee May 4, 2018 at 6:21 am

    Oh my god this had to be your best one. Couldn’t stop laughing, probably because I’m foreign and these sorts of things hit close to home… well… sort of…

    • justingawel May 4, 2018 at 11:54 am

      Thank you, thank you! I’m happy you enjoyed it so much. Here’s hoping it not the being coerced into mail-order husbandry part that’s hitting too close!

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