Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby
A non-comprehensive collection
Live Tweeting A Nosebleed
Posted by on May 20, 2020
Serious nose itch today. Not what you think, Mom; still living clean. #tenmonthchip #serenity #dayoneiseasy
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Preliminary Scouting Report from Right Nostril Rim: protrusive monolith, sawdust deposits detected. #batcave #palletcouch #DIYnot
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Spelunking mission commences; stalactite has dramatically less structural integrity than lost Cheeto. #FieldNotesFromPlanetLunch
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Strata sample extracted. Rolled and flicked after positive booger test. #polisholympics
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Nose still itching. Mom, seriously, quit it. There is way too much matter jammed up in here to snort anything enjoyable. Stop texting me my sponsor’s number; I already know he works at Hallmark. #tenmonthchip #squeakyclean #neverforget #harambe
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Still not able to focus on with this itch. Twitter Poll: Methodic Strip Mining or Lawnmower-Starting Yank? #rockthevote #stopfracking
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Heavy-handed yank by a landslide. Trophy ceremony and more lentil soup refreshments to follow, plus several more episodes of #Bones, with a new and improved focus. #boothfuneral #fakefuneral #shutupIlikeit
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Index finger and thumb grip, planning on ninety-degree turn to maximize pluck effectiveness. Lost Cheeto found in pillowcase! #gripit #ripit #DIYnot #ProdigalCheeto
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Nostril is 12 millimeters dilated and I extract this crusty little tower in one swoop like some sort of seabird or skill crane. Serious root on this one, kinda felt my teeth hurt. #surgeon #boogieman
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Definitely taste a little blood. My lentil soup isn’t this metallic.
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Tipping the head back. Soup is harder to eat now and a dogshit chaser.
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
First drip out the front door. #theshining
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Blood drip splattered hard on my t-shirt. Getting out of bed and the soup spills. Why do I insist on such large quantities, and why couldn’t it have spilled on one of the existing soup stains? #Caspermattress #rorschach
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Looking up, can’t see where the door is. Shit, was that half a hiccup? Really don’t need this now.
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Didn’t hit pause. Remote isn’t hiding up high. Touched the hot soup spot. Dammit, nobody DM any spoilers for the episode where #Bones sees Booth naked #S3E15
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Shirt downgraded to sweaty, large handkerchief. #DIYnot
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Not a hiccup. Fuck. False-start sneeze. Why is my bathtub so hard to find right now?!?
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
No!!1!
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Fog of war. #Fargo-shit. Probably a reason people don’t make handkerchiefs out of shirts. Wind sheared to pieces. Pants are splattered with blood and dusty snot. Naked now and amassing super toilet paper wad.
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Seriously had just cleaned all the vomit and blood out of this grout. #tenmonthchip
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
On my back in the bathtub, basketball-sized wad of TP. The most naked. Lightheaded from blood loss, or panic, or latent withdrawal?
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Mom, no, don’t call Jesse. I know he’s at Hallmark today. What, is he going to bring over like stationary and stamps?
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Is it me, or is it kind of chilly when you’re lying naked on porcelain only covered in toilet paper and blood?
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Too quiet now, heard Bones and Booth talking. Didn’t sound like they Frenched. DM at will.
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Can’t remember what lentils taste like. When does this shit stop, maybe I am #RoyalFamily
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Found another lost Cheeto. Didn’t taste that gross or like mildew. #prodigalsons #prodigalfun
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Crimson Tide abating. Alternatives were never considered; I fired away. Always had thought of myself as a Denzel, but always feared—and probably knew deep down—that I was a Gene Hackman. #movies #Hollywood
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
This wad of blood and paper is not going to flush.
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Setting it aside. Will figure out when not naked and covered in blood.
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
Think it stopped. Hey, itch-free! #Bones #neverberoyal #maybejustRoyalTenenbaum
— ConnorHalliburtonComedy (@ConnorHallibur1) May 18, 2020
How funny especially since my nose is bothering me today from allergies.
Thank you, thank you! Perfect timing on nose-based jokes.