Mostly rambles, few brambles
Would You Let Us Know About Our Product?
April 7, 2021Posted by on
Thank you for purchasing our product and we sincerely hope you have enjoyed your consumer experience. We would, however, be remiss if we did not ask if there was a way to enhance this experience, or make you more prone to repeat and/or recommend this experience:
Would you be more inclined to buy our product if it screamed upon being opened?
How much more would you be willing to pay for said novelty scream?
Please. Do not waste our time. You and I both know that screaming packaging is not a free nor unalienable right. We would need to invest significant capital into R&D, potentially thousands of employee hours to create, hone, and patent said welcoming effect. Would you be reporting that you would expect said scream to be included in our current price point, and, thus, you would not mind if we cut costs in other areas to incorporate the scream greeting?
Okay, now we are getting somewhere. Would you remain a loyal customer even if those cost-cutting measures involved contracting with pirates, corporate mercenaries, or deposed former dictators now running lawless sweatshops?
We do understand that your “hard no” might be a kneejerk response here. Would there be a cheaper price point at which our scream-featuring product would still make fiscal sense for you and your household, even if our brand name was—hypothetically—synonymous with a Geneva-violating former dictator now operating a prisoner workforce on a decommissioned oil rig in International Waters?
What a rationalization. Just wow. So that “hard no” is actually a “it depends on the value offered by this former-dictator-turned-pirate-warden”?
Would you be more likely to buy and recommend our product if it screamed upon being opened and helped the user forget unsettling truths about themselves?
Would a louder or more patriotic scream help you to forget these truths about yourself faster or more effectively, even if only for a fleeting moment?
Do you think there would be a difference if you were experience on our product on July 4th, Memorial Day, or Veterans Day?
How patriotic would the scream need to be for you to forget the various atrocities and horrors committed by the U.S. government over the last two-hundred-plus years?
No, do not be ridiculous, we can almost certainly probably promise that we would not offer to sell this questionnaire’s information to the U.S. government, even if this coveted data could be used to inspire a generation of hyper-patriots while simultaneously helping to subsidize scream technology. Knowing this almost-promise, would you be more or less likely to use and/or recommend our product if you knew it was helping to indoctrinate Americans into a cult-like devotion?
Would you change your mind if all of your friends and family members were getting brainwashed and you were feeling particularly left out and unpopular?
True. We see your point; that would depend entirely on the brainwashing’s effectiveness. Again, though, we must ask, how much more would you be willing to pay for a box that would unleash a novelty scream upon opening? This time, though, please read through all of the options. We promise we will not judge our wonderful customers for their unsettling disclosures as they realize how much worker blood or worker gruel may be on their frugal, dairy-fattened fingers.
Thank you for your input. We hope you have enjoyed our ice cream.