Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

Mostly rambles, few brambles

Know When To Hold ‘Em

You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em.

Know when to fold them.

Know when to walk away, because I realized the hug has gone on for far too long. It began teetering on frotteurism and I found that I no longer recognized myself. We had a great run, Don, but this three-year friendship changed me into the nape-sniffing monster you see retreating and grunting before you. You’ve been great, but I belong in the forest with the other uncivilized brutes, the ones who, at the apex of a hug, will involuntarily shiver and whisper “a super cuddle.”  It’s easier if I leave; I’d say remember me, but I truly would prefer if you didn’t.

And know when to run, like I did, when I saw Don start off after me, thinking he could salvage this disaster. That Don, always thinking of others, and not in the depraved ways that he might have inferred that I was while we’d been hugging just now. He chased after me and I screamed that this was the way it had to be. “You can’t fight the natural order,” I told him and ran faster, into the thicket.  Somewhere he stopped, knowing our friendship was over and that he would never get me to repay that forty-five dollars. 

This is my debt-escaping thicket. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Don’t text me, Don.  You’ll only bring up embarrassing memories of a grunt-y hug. And please, don’t harass me about the forty-five dollars.  It’s like I told you, “Maybe you lent that money to another Justin, a Timberlake or a Bieber, perhaps.”  Come on, Don, don’t try to squeeze that forty-five dollars out of me, you and I both know that’s only going to lead to more unsettling forms of outercourse and another forest chase.

4 responses to “Know When To Hold ‘Em

  1. Judy Alter May 12, 2021 at 8:34 pm

    You made me laugh once again. I have that same twisted sense of humor.

  2. Terveen Gill May 24, 2021 at 11:23 am

    Funny! Kenny Rogers, a hug, and forty-five dollars…what’s left?

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