Mostly rambles, few brambles
July 8, 2020Posted by on
This program contains violence, drug use, nudity, and salty language.
We understand you still may be curious, as our statement is the broadcast equivalent to “May Contain Nuts.” We don’t want to spoil too much, but we also don’t want you to be caught off guard in case you have a trigger or are watching with impressionable children or shock-prone older, judgmental relatives.
Tonight’s violence is “present”, neither “graphic” nor “mild”, but more of the garden-variety violence to which the American public has been mostly desensitized. Apologies, for ruining any fan theories already, but we can assure you that you won’t be witnessing dramatized cannibalism, tantric floggings, or horrific nailgun shootouts during our show (no promises on the commercials, though). Plan on being treated to only vanilla-flavored brutality along the lines of weapons discharging or comic spankings: actions which your night-terror-inclined children or squeamish aunt with a loose monocle have likely long been acclimated.
Yes, we can never overstate the standard, boiler-plate language that any amount of violence can erode and warp one’s worldview and potentially send your soul tailspinning as you begin to internalize humanity’s animalistic, chaotic, Herzog-ian depths. Your risk for this existential snowball tonight is moderate: comparable to watching live sports or network news.
Objectively, tonight’s episode contains nudity beyond animal nudity and human hands and faces, and there may be the occasional bare stomach or naked foot. Taboo anatomical attractions are limited to rogue nipples or segments of butt crack. Per the timeslot, any unclad crotches will be fully obscured by tasteful shadows, oriental fans, or fruit baskets. Heed this disclaimer and take the necessary precautions, though, if you are easily aroused by a mere whiff of sexuality and such visual pheromones could transport you into an imaginative pork-scape where all you can see, hear, or smell is trickling sweat and blinding pleasure.
Our legal team says that by viewing tonight’s episode our audience forfeits any rights to claim damages resulting from our unrealistic portrayal of drug use, as this episode is the spiritual antithesis to an after-school special. Where the latter would have you believe that the smallest misstep could have the most dire repercussions, our show glamorizes the cool, casual use of illicit substances. The couplet “consequence free” is peppered throughout the show from authoritative voices and quasi experts, and the fourth-wall is repeatedly broken with false testimonials.
If it feels like pro-drug propaganda, that’s because our freewheleeing-butts-out-unapologetic-libertine fantasy is basically that, and this rambling disclaimer is solely here to distance ourselves from our own words in cases where gullible viewers take our anti-lessons to heart. Lastly, tonight you will hear them use the words “shit,” “bathroom chili,” and “may contain nuts.” Actually, they’re all said in the same sentence. Sorry for this spoiler—enjoy the season finale of Drug Party!