Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

Mostly rambles, few brambles

Category Archives: Absurd

Know When To Hold ‘Em

You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em.

Know when to fold them.

Know when to walk away, because I realized the hug has gone on for far too long. It began teetering on frotteurism and I found that I no longer recognized myself. We had a great run, Don, but this three-year friendship changed me into the nape-sniffing monster you see retreating and grunting before you. You’ve been great, but I belong in the forest with the other uncivilized brutes, the ones who, at the apex of a hug, will involuntarily shiver and whisper “a super cuddle.”  It’s easier if I leave; I’d say remember me, but I truly would prefer if you didn’t.

And know when to run, like I did, when I saw Don start off after me, thinking he could salvage this disaster. That Don, always thinking of others, and not in the depraved ways that he might have inferred that I was while we’d been hugging just now. He chased after me and I screamed that this was the way it had to be. “You can’t fight the natural order,” I told him and ran faster, into the thicket.  Somewhere he stopped, knowing our friendship was over and that he would never get me to repay that forty-five dollars. 

This is my debt-escaping thicket. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Don’t text me, Don.  You’ll only bring up embarrassing memories of a grunt-y hug. And please, don’t harass me about the forty-five dollars.  It’s like I told you, “Maybe you lent that money to another Justin, a Timberlake or a Bieber, perhaps.”  Come on, Don, don’t try to squeeze that forty-five dollars out of me, you and I both know that’s only going to lead to more unsettling forms of outercourse and another forest chase.

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