Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

Mostly rambles, few brambles

Tag Archives: humor

Lice

“My brothers, my sisters, my multi-generational lovers, we are at a crossroads in our civilization. For generations, now, we have lived off The Rosco, through the fertile heartland, the patchier and occasionally styled sutherland, and the four cavernous thickets, but as our numbers grow so does our impact.”

 

“Don’t listen to him, folks. Doomsday prepping, scare tactics, inscrutable data, don’t cast your vote because you’re afraid. The leader of the Free Scalp needs to be making your lives better, not worse. Sure, a blood tax won’t hurt my opponent and his hundreds of children, but what about those of us just scraping and scuttling by? Blood is a naturally occurring resource and has been our scalp-born right since The Rosco, in his drug-addled wisdom, created the first male and female.”

 

“Sorry—ahem—my opponent here appears to be living in a delusion and actively ignoring our findings. Top researchers have confirmed blood pressure in all regions to be dropping incrementally as our species becomes more prevalent—“

 

“How far back does that data go? A few generations, to the first male and female, to the beginning of the know universe when, from nothing, The Rosco and his criminal skull shape were formed? Louses, these fluctuations are only temporary cycles The Rosco is experiencing, not unlike the four weeks of Wild Cherry Blossom Suave.”

 

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“Creator”

 

“We’re long overdue to hit the panic button. We need to incentivize ways to extend our time here, to make choices with foresight until we have the technology to colonize other words, other Roscos. Explorations so far have yielded only barren, blood-free habitats. Bless those souls who gave their lives so that when opportunity struck we could know more about ‘The Couch’, ‘The Rancid Bathmat’, and the “The Rastafarian Wig.” Godspeed, you brave sons of The Rosco.”

 

“Look, anyone will tell you, I have the utmost respect for our galactic pioneers, however, with all this terror talk about the future, have we completely dismissed the present? Are we not good, hard-working parasites wanting to fall asleep each day with a belly full of blood.”

 

“Heavens, I’m not suggesting getting off blood entirely, more to supplement our blood intake with naturally occurring skin-flakes and dander. Lord, we all know what massive troves of dander we have. Human dander, pet, dander, mouse dander—pick your favorite flavor, folks.

 

“Lord’, ‘heavens’? Pretty strong rhetoric, Senator, from someone who disavows The Rosco as our true creator.”

 

“What we each individually believe is secondary. Details, really. Species survival is our priority and it starts by creating a sustainable scalp. A scalp where we can work to minimize our impact as to increase our longevity and buy time for our technological advancement needed to open doors to distant environments and their resources.”

 

“I don’t know about you all out there, but I like my blood pure. No dander. Not cut with flakes. When I see those gritty scalp-eczema flakes, boy, I send it right back; yes, sir. I certainly don’t consider The Rosco, my creator, to be a ‘detail’ either.”

 

“Louses, this is bold-faced misdirection—”

 

“Sorry that I’m not a Senator, son of a Head Louse, where I was entitled to all the blood and mating opportunities I could ever want. I’m from a hearty family who somehow managed to survive through lean times in the Soul Patch for a few generations. I love The Rosco. I love football. I love blood and I don’t think it should be taxed.”

 

“Time is running out. Please, consider your offspring, the scalp, and the underfunded exploration program and alternative sustenance we’re leaving them. It’s, frankly, a death sentence. We need to be a smarter, less parasitic parasite if we’re to survive—”

 

“We will not be afraid, Senator! We are warriors, and we will vote like blood-thirsty warriors when we go to the polls next week.”

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