Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

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Tag Archives: humour

2095 A.D.: How Did You and Great-Grandma Meet?


Your great grandma and I met online in 2016. On this ancient app, Tinder, we both had on our non-telekinetic phones.


Tinder was how single people found dates. Or found hookups. Or reinforced stereotypes. It intended to be a medium to get to know each other in a non-public setting. Striking up conversation with a complete stranger in public wasn’t done.

Any gesture, pleasantry, or—god forbid—smile directed at an unfamiliar someone was met with scorn, aware that there needed to be some sort of scheme, some endgame.


People might be more open nowadays; you know, with the government-mandated diversity quotas on friendships and all.


The app was simple. Swipe right if they’re profile’s attractive-ish enough and swipe left if they’re sickly, overbite-y, or some other variant of gross. Details—bathroom habits, levels of indoctrinated racism, what kind of neglectful parent they’d become—were inferred instantly and conclusions cemented.

All in all, pretty fun.


If you and a stranger didn’t immediately find something revolting about the other and both swiped right, you’d open a dialogue. The results typically yielded the sexually and emotionally desperate, though, occasionally you’d find a somewhat stable person.


No. There wasn’t video. No sensory body suits. No humanoid surrogates obeying your every whim. This was no-frills back and forth. Writing tiny virtual memos to one another. Actual, serious keystroke typing with letters and tiny cartoon pictures.


Uncertainty was everywhere. What’s the right amount of emojis for a self-described heterosexual man to use? Does actual grammar matter to this person? How many “LOLs” does their terrible joke attempt merit? I know kids today are comfortable with offering up any and all exploitable fears and banking passwords to anyone on the web asking, but this was all uncharted territory.

A lot has changed, namely with companionship Concubots™ and a Supreme Court recognizing marriage between human being and a gratification robot. I mean, when we were married weather hadn’t yet been government regulated and the country bordering Turkey was “Greece,” not “Greece: A Nation Presented by Volkswagen.”


*Your HeadstoneHolgram© will resume momentarily. This HeadstoneHologram© is brought to you by Burger King™. Burger King™: Mourn Your Way*


…It wasn’t just like I could hook up a REM Reader and have it transcribe everything.


Ten, maybe twelve, message back and forth over twenty Earth minutes before we’d exchanged nude pictures and agreed to meet in a well-lit public space.


Just a coffee shop. Close to the lab where she worked and close to my analytics job. She was cute, considering 2016’s more realistic standards of beauty.

Now with your commercially available occipital and temporal lobe probes they can rewire you in a snap. One minute you’re in the alleyway negotiating with the john. The next you’re on the Wahlberg Zeppelin. In the Fuck Room. Working your way through a carousel of A-listers. Your mind can hardly distinguish the artificiality. Erotic experience is no longer limited to the non-genetically modified people in your immediate locale. Or whatever you found on webcams.


I never did get bored. Attention spans used to be a lot longer. Plus, back then there wasn’t a need for those passion-inhibiting brain condoms to protect against psionic herpes. Not to mention that your great-grandma’s always been sweet. I remember she gave me her Hulu password right after we became Facebook-official.


Before the Dark Web took over all forms of media, you had to pay actual, nationally recognized currency each month for the shows you wanted. Or steal a friend’s password.


I had asked myself one question, “Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her?” I mean, of course I self-audited a little further. Didn’t find any lingering flames. No divorce fantasies. Plus, there were no numbers to crunch before the engagement. Before 2030 you could get married without submitting your genomes to the Central Office and waiting for a phenotype report.

There wasn’t any Chomosale.com™, or any database option for bidding on prized genetic material. Back then it was a little gauche to pry over medical histories. All you could do was skulk around family gatherings and take note of anyone trying to quell discussions about Huntington’s.


My only regret is not marrying her sooner. We rolled the dice, tried our best, and got lucky. We wed eight months after I’d proposed and then spent an amazing 58 years together before we died six months apart in 2074, me of stroke and her of a degenerative bone disease. I loved her and she loved me.

And we still love each other! Living in Afterlyfe™ has been great. The property taxes are bananas, but mostly it’s great.

Had I been overloaded with information, I’d have risked over-thinking the best decision I’d ever made. The choice I’m happiest with was made purely on feeling and anecdotal evidence. I couldn’t imagine living and never having your granddad, Wynnter, and great aunt, Sumatra, our perfectly imperfect genetic combinations.


I know. It was 2020 and dumb names for kids were all the rage. I suppose, come to think, those names would be another regret.


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“Good Burger”: Harbinger of the Commodification Age

Follow the recipe, collect the checks, and churn out the marketable drivel. Modern-day directors punch the clock. Time is money; art stays absent from the equation. A craft with a calling and passion has mutated into a logarithm. In this cinematic wasteland, though, a beacon burns—a bold paragon of hope named Brian Robbins.


A true maverick, Robbins holds an unapologetic mirror up to civilization and begs us to heed reality. From unearthing the contemporary struggle of forgotten youth and unrealistic expectations in his gritty 1999 exposé on West Texas football culture, Varsity Blues, to 2007’s brilliantly repulsive avant-garde piece, Norbit, Robbins habitually leaves audiences reassessing their lives and choices.


The oft-overlooked Good Burger is no exception. Robbins’ un-sophomoric sophomore picture personifies the unending struggle between character-rich individuality and faceless corporate expansion. The audience and industry each coerced into examining what road we’re on.


A simple man tries to escape debt’s slippery slope while a soon-to-be-sprawling conglomerate, Mondo Burger, jeopardizes his livelihood. Caught between noble individualism and succumbing to rigid commoditization, there’s no question this fable rings close to home. Good Burger lends audiences that horrific glance into that not-too-distant future where workplaces are sterile machines filled with jumpsuit-clad burger-peddling cogs obeying military-like orders.


This 95-minute funk-laden treasure seems as if it erupted out of Robbins. No longer could the visionary remain silent while countless American Goliaths gobbled up Davids by the dozen. Good Burger maintains that, without intervention, we’re headed towards a dystopia where countries and states are archaic and corporations reign supreme.


Robbins christens small business as the final bastion of individuality within American consumerism. Value, he imparts, needs to be re-construed as originality, heart, bumbling idiots trying to repair a broken shake machine from inside said “Strawberry Jacuzzi.” Value can be bigger than just more chemically engineered meat per dollar. There’s a genuine goodness beyond the limited spectrum of cookie-cutter sprawl. That character and flavor, each and every small business’ personal Ed’s Sauce, is under constant threat of being forever squeezed out.


The tour-de-force crescendos into a beautiful cryptic climax. Mondo Burger tries to sabotage Good Burger by using their government connections to detain our heroes within a mental institution. From there it’s your typical farce involving a George Clinton dance number, a high-speed chase with a stolen ice cream truck, and comeuppance via exploding hamburgers.


Are massive corporate takedowns so demanding that one would need an equally zany, unlikely sequence to accomplish one, or is Good Burger relaying that it requires a radical event by dedicated individuals to pull of something so monumental?


Concession or call to action, we may never know. Robbins, though, has done his job; we are having the discussion, and that’s where all change has to start.





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