Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

Mostly rambles, few brambles

Tag Archives: job

Sorry, Shareholders; The Company is Over.

Shareholders, board members, looters with torches, welcome. I only had so many deck chairs, so some of you are going to have to stand. Sorry, the samovar has already been liquidated, and, no, that’s not one of its setting.  There is set a soup pot of coffee. Might have to fish the ladle out, though.

Why all these sudden changes? Where is the office furniture, why has the copper pipe been ripped out of the walls, why is there a crude harpoon thing next to the now-empty fish tank? As founder and CEO, I assure you that I will thoughtfully answer all of your questions that I feel like answering.

I am the captain of this ship and responsibility ultimately rests with me. Less than a month away from what would have been our IPO and we’re done. It’s frustrating, I know, and if you need someone to scream at, thrash with a deck chair, or scald with soup coffee, please seek out one of the interns.

Yes, I am the one who clicked the link, “World’s Largest Pig Ruins World’s Largest Magic Show.” For those few moments of unchecked hedonism when I was sifting through their questionnaire and they were promising that the ensuing sloppy fiasco would be totally worth it, I truly lost myself. I couldn’t believe my good fortune as I thought that I was now on the very cusp—only a few clicks, account numbers, and childhood secrets away from the mega algorithm that would unlock and an infinite loop of similar videos perfectly attuned to my quirky, cost-cutting, blind-eye-turning, Whoopi-Goldberg-fearing self.

Alas, I have yet to see the purported pig magic. Maybe I never will. Armed with account access plus my accounts of being hunted for sport by the cast of Hollywood Squares, these cyber pirates took everything they could from us. But they gave me something, too. They reminded me why I got into business. I never wanted to change the world; I only wanted to live simply while perpetually watching livestock ruin various events.

No, don’t you, intern boy, throw my mission statement back at me now. There is no soul to that haughty mess of integrity-sounding words about mail-order vaping suppositories and vaping suppository accessories. Shame on you, intern boy. I’m glad, truly glad, I never remembered your name.

Though this was an unforeseen and completely unpreventable blunder, I do sympathize with your ensuing hurricane of stress and unemployment, so I will say one thing. I will say it once and only once, but, please, listen: I rented a projector for us and found a clip of a circus ruined by several ignited cats.

It’s not the magnitude I, nor any of us, had been hoping for, but for anyone who helps me load this copper pipe into the back of my Audi you can stick around and watch. I’ll run it and we can coffee-boil up the couple exotic looking fish I was able skewer with the letter opener.

To the only question I heard that I will answer, I think the clip is from Denmark.

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