Mostly rambles, few brambles
Tag Archives: moped
January 27, 2021Posted by on
My white whale was technically red and kind of rusted. Also, it was mechanical, was likely not to be conflated with God, and was, in fact, a used Honda. But wait, though, it gets even better—there was still one remaining mirror, a deloused helmet was included, and the original moped seat had been patched with an old Band-Aid.
It was—in a word—bitchin’.
The savvy seller, though, he had saved his sweetest treat for last. Under his email address at the bottom of the listing he’d written, “Interesting trades considered…LOL.”
Seller, you have tickled my imagination, roused it with such unaccustomed rousing. Now, please, let me reciprocate said tickle and, maybe, perhaps, I can become one-moped richer and you, too, can become wealthy with items, particularly items of which I was probably going to have to throw away anyways.
You’re undoubtedly a bright guy, Seller: well positioned and with an enviable Honda portfolio. You recognize an appetizing barter when presented with one and that’s why I’m sure we can reach a deal involving your moped and my homemade Flubber. I sure have lot of homemade Flubber, and I’m certain that you, too, can get used to the wet smell. Truthfully, my brand of Flubber does not bounce nor does it sing and dance to swing music—it is, however, a milky, sickly green, and, true-to-form, it did drive a wedge between my ex and I.
Presently, my Flubber is best at is pulsating in a heap on my basement floor, slowly expanding and possibly gaining sentience. Boy, it sure loves to eat away at the foundation while maybe realizing consciousness! There are probably more tricks you could teach it beyond existential stewing—I mean, you know, you saw the movie.
To the best of my knowledge, none of my Flubber has yet to be shot out of Christopher McDonald’s butthole. I realize your consumer needs may require a more-authentic Flubber, so, Seller, you will absolutely need to decide if you are okay with my pre-farted Flubber.
I wouldn’t rule out using said Flubber to win a basketball game. Bouncing, like I said, is absolutely out of the question, but poisoning your opponent with the noxious Flubber radiation is a real possibility. Why limit yourself to basketball, either, should you happen to have other, easily radiated enemies.
Lucky you, Seller. Boy, I envy your good fortune to post your secondhand moped exactly the week I became separated from my wife and needed to liquidate my Flubber assets. What riches may await you, perhaps your own university or classic Thunderbird powered by goo!
Go on, achieve your destiny, Seller; I’ll stay here and zip around town on the Honda, honking at hot moms and their top-notch cans with my reawakened moped-derived sexual charisma.