Ramblings From an Apathetic Adult Baby

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Your Holiday Sucks—Ten Ways to Make it Better

1.) Easily Accessible Narrative: Don’t overwhelm anyone with a nuanced, name-heavy deep dive into every single cultural struggle, hero, or specific injustice. Summarize everything into a twenty-second elevator pitch to better streamline and onboard new celebrants. Aim for a touch more detail, but as simple terms as “Things are better now.”

2.) Denounce Any Barriers to Entry: Emphasize that participation is welcome regardless of their background, appropriate dress, or complete lack of knowledge.

3.) Downplay Guilt and Reverence: Prime your longtime devotees and founders, ones who may have reflected and ached over the enduring fight and patient progress every day of their waking lives, in order receive new revelers who may just be “trying the holiday on for size.”  New celebrants shouldn’t feel ostracized or harbor guilt for exploiting a holiday, even those just using it as justification for weekday drinking and weekday vomiting.

A picture of celebrants most likely wading through puke.

4.) Initiate a Parade: A parade denotes something as fun-worthy. With virtually no ceiling on attendance, the holiday can distance itself from solemn, meaningful home-based celebrations with a few close friends and family and party-pivot into a caravan of Top 40 hits choking the middle of the city in ways that cannot be ignored. 

5.) Pump up the Noise: Where the parade stops, the noise perseveres! Announce your presence at every suburban center with a holiday anthem, of course borrowed from the Caucasian-American archive. Whether or not it teeters on sacrilegious isn’t important, more so that everyone forever associates your holiday with, “Don’t Stop Believin’, ” “I Will Survive,” or “Party in the USA.”

6.) Deliciously Sticky: Find a beloved food or delectable medium and incorporate something mildly authentic—though, in a pinch, colored dye or a commemorative cup will work. With a hankering, the masses will gear up next year, their mouths collectively watering for your heritage pizza or noble-struggle milkshake.

7.) Gloss Over Silent Contemplation and Other Boring Stuff: Nothing saps energy out of a party faster than quiet veneration for those trailblazers who tolerated injustices and fought for the opportunities enjoyed today. This nugget may prove difficult to coax out of old celebrants, but don’t let it deter any new partiers. 

8.) Theme Party: Ease up on the standards of traditional dress for this holiday and broadcast a color scheme and credo that can be sold on a t-shirt at Target for $9.99.  Skew towards gaudier colors that standout for increased visibility and Instagram-ability.

9.) Alcohol and Other Recreational Substances: It wouldn’t be a party or excuse from actual responsibilities without altered states of consciousness.  The other items on this list are suggestions, but this—even if it may violate the cultural ethos and tenants of the honorees—is a requirement if any holiday wants to have a chance at mainstream appeal.

10.) Beads: These cheap, garish novelties should be everywhere. Nothing works better to redirect partygoers from any actual cause, history, or piety. It’s no coincidence they remain the universal signal of good, sloppy, inebriated times. 

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