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Tag Archives: philosophy
April 29, 2020Posted by on
Okay, this one’s for you, Mickey. Would you rather push a button and it brings your dead wife back to life, but, in the process, it wipes out a small nation—like a forgettable republic, one that you only remember exists when you’re watching them lose at something in the Olympics. Or do you not push it and continue living in whatever this lonely, wallow-y thing you’re doing now, where you put on weight and contract gout?
Come on, Mickey, you heard me; I answered your question about pizza toppings.
You wouldn’t do it? Interesting. Is it because these past seven months you’ve become complacent as this new, drifting, rumpled husk? Come on, don’t glare at me like that. Still no, eh?
Mickey, Mickey, I guess I just happen love my non-deceased wife more than that. Babe, I would definitely choose you over a Trinidad, or an Estonia, or a Zaire. I’d push that button and reincarnate you every time.
Yeah, Mickey, we’re kissing. Sorry that we love each other, love each enough to considering razing an entire country to prevent being apart.
Zaire isn’t a country anymore? Do you think they heard about how much we care about each other and figured they didn’t stand a chance?
No, you’re so funny, babe.
Mickey, if the situation was reversed, do you think Lauren would destroy an entire landmass and all of its inhabitants to bring you back to life?
You don’t think so either? I apologize for all my gasping and visual disgust, but—and I do mean to pry—how did you two even get married? Was it all, “Duder, yeah, it’s cools, we can spend our lives together.” And she’s all, “Yeah, I mean, I’m free.”
I heard your objection the first time. I know this kind of annihilation is ethically wrong and selfish on multiple levels—that’s what makes it a good “Would You Rather”! I know without asking that you would push the button if the question was: “Would you push it to bring your wife back with a guarantee that there would never be any adverse consequences for anyone, no countries would be destroyed, and also it somehow cured your gout?”
See, Mickey, this is why you’ll never be a good Question Wizard.
Yes, Mickey. Jesus. You weren’t saying anything so we did start making out some more.
If you didn’t push the button, potentially, you could leverage the situation into national celebrity in whatever country you saved from being prematurely returned to space dust. There might be a statue; maybe free food. Maybe someone out there in Trinidad, Estonia, or New Zaire could be the one who shows you a love that could destroy entire nations, histories, entire world heritage sites, if they were so foolish enough to stand in the way.
Don’t start thinking aloud through your moral dilemmas now. We’re past that. I’m just adding this as a little flavor, because your answer was so boring and it sapped all the energy from the group. I was merely trying to get you to step outside of societal hang-ups about what’s appropriate to do for love.
Mickey, yes, those are the pants I had been wearing. We’re both still under the afghan. I honestly don’t see the big deal.